The Captain and the Savior
by WandCloakStone
Summary: College au. Killian Jones is the master of hook ups. Emma Swan is the tutor who can save anyone from failing. What happens when he needs her help? T for language, dirty humor, and mild assault.
1. Chapter 1

"You work too much," my friend Mary Margaret states as she breezes through my open door, settling on my bed. I've long since stopped asking her how she keeps getting into a keypad locked dormitory.

"That's what happens when you're studying to be a homicide investigator," I swivel my chair around so I can see her. Short dark hair, big eyes, and still sporting sundresses even in October. It's easy to see why my brother asked her out in high school. We'd all been thick as thieves since she moved to our town when we were seven. Once sixteen rolled around David stopped denying he'd loved her since day one and asked her out. They've been together ever since. "Sociology, psychology, anatomy-"

"History, rigorous physical regimen, and so on." She rolls her eyes, smirking at me. "I've heard the Life Plan speech a million times, Emma. I know. But you still work too much."

I pull my hair up into a sloppy ponytail, grinning, "so what, should I drop out of school and join the circus?"

"Yes, exactly. Or just come to David's party tonight. He said he left you a million messages." Her eyes drop to the phone charging on my nightstand. "Guess you haven't checked your phone?"

I hedge her real question "It died while I was in class, I haven't turned it back on yet."

"So will you come? It's Friday night, you can't work all weekend-"

A loud shriek and a door banging open filter in from down the hall. Throwing Mary Margaret a questioning look, I jolt up to fulfill my resident advisor duties.

A furious Theresa Belle pushes a half naked, dark haired man into the hallway. "You think you can sleep with my _roommate_ and I won't find out?"

The man stumbles as he pulls up his tight, black jeans. "Love," he soothes, a thick English accent coloring his words, "what we had was special, but we weren't-"

"What's going on here," I interrupt. They both look at me and I finally get a good look at the man. And the outburst instantly makes sense. Killian Jones. The king of hook ups at our small college. He smirks at me, seemingly unashamed to be found half naked and being yelled at.

Theresa on the other hand, while still clearly furious, drops her gaze, shoving a pair of boots and a leather jacket into Killian's chest. "Sorry, he and I...went out a couple weeks ago and I just..." she tucks a piece of blonde hair behind her ear and shrugs, gesturing lamely at her open door where I can just make out her roommate, Ruby, pulling on a sweatshirt.

I nod, "I understand, Theresa, you can go." I turn to Killian as Theresa slams the door in his face, causing him to wince slightly as he pulls his black v-neck down his stomach. "You don't live in this building, leave please."

"Yes, yes I'm going," he bends down, lacing his boots. I pretend not to notice the peek of tanned muscles of his back where his shirt rides up a bit. He is pretty good looking, I guess, with his tousled black hair and unshaven face. Not that I'd ever consider doing anything with him, not a guy with his reputation. OR anyone for that matter, gotta stick with my plan and love is an unnecessary complication.

As he's shrugging on his jacket, I can't help but mutter, "maybe next time make sure you haven't slept with the roommate of the girl you're about to sleep with?"

"Well I was pretty legless when i went home with ...Theresa, was it? The fact she had a roommate never came up, funny enough."

Against my better judgment to keep the conversation short, I ask "legless?"

"Drunk, love." He winks, leaning back against the wall. He's got confidence that's for sure.

I roll my eyes, folding my arms across my chest, "I guess it's bound to happen when you've slept with, what, half the females signed up at this college? Getting sloppy, Jones."

He perks up, giving me a once over, "you have me at a disadvantage, lass, I don't know your name."

As I'm debating answering, a voice floats down the hallway. "Emma? What's going..." Mary Margaret trails off, glancing between Killian and I. A wolf grin spreads across his face.

"Pleasure meeting you, _Emma,"_ he emphasizes my name, "until next time." And then he's gone, footsteps fading as he descends the stairs at the end of the hall. I stare after him until the distant click of the outside door assures me he isn't coming back.

Mary Margaret follows me back to my room, "was that Killian Jones?" Our school is too small.

I nod, turning back to my book to hide my expression, one that's on the verge of a smile crazy enough.

At my silence she adds, "he and David are friends. I think he'll be at the party tonight..." I turn my chair towards her. She knows parties aren't my thing. I wish she wouldn't push so hard. My hesitation must show on my face cuz she back tracks. "You don't have to go Emma, I just don't want you to work your whole life away."

She has a point. I haven't even seen David, my twin brother, in over a week because of school and work and studying and we only live two miles from each other. "Okay M&M, I'll go. I'll be there around 9 okay? I've got to tutor till 8." Her whole face brightens.

"Wonderful!" She hops off my bed, phone in hand, already queuing up a number, "David will be so happy." She puts the phone to her ear as she walks to the door, "see you later, Emma!"

I shake my head a little, already deciding this was a bad idea, and sigh, pulling my anatomy book toward me again. It's gonna be a long night.

* * *

A/n this is a little short but I promise I've got big plans. Hope you like it. Thanks for reading


	2. Chapter 2

Music faintly pumps through the door as I walk up to my brother's house, tugging on my tank top. When i try the knob, it's open so I let myself in. The volume racks up a few notches as I step inside. Sweat and alcohol invade my nostrils as i glance around the room, filled mostly with people I don't know.

I spy David leaning against the low wall between the kitchen and living room, his arm around Mary Margaret, laughing. I make a beeline for them, tapping my brother's shoulder.

"Emma!" His joy is infectious and I find myself smiling. He's always been the more open and optimistic of the two of us. Where I throw up walls when people try to get close, David wears his very large heart on his sleeve. Mary Margaret is cut from the same cloth. They really are perfect for each other.

"Everyone, my ever elusive sister finally makes an appearance at one of my parties."

I roll my eyes at him, "you know I work a lot, David."

"Too much."

Ashley, a kind blonde girl, chimes in, "come on, Dave, give her a break. Emma is my hero. She saved my butt in chemistry last semester. That stuff takes time!"

He shares a look with Mary Margaret but neither says anything more about my lack of a social life. Thankfully. They go back to discussing their favorite NFL teams so I tune them out, fidgeting.

M&m and David have these parties every weekend,they look forward to them all week. I don't get it. It's just a bunch of people drinking and half-ass dancing to the top 40 hits in a really warm room.

For something to do, I move to the counter laden with half empty bottles of alcohol and load a plastic cup with some whiskey and coke.

"Alcohol?" A smooth, accented voice cuts through the music as I feel a body sidle up to mine, "I didn't peg you as one that would partake in spirits."

"And you know everything about me from the three minutes we spent together?" I lean my hip against the counter as I turn towards Killian Jones. He's traded the v neck for a black button down with the sleeves pushed up and half the buttons undone, giving me a healthy view of the dark hair on his chest. I can see a hint of a tattoo on his wrist as he takes a swig from the Captain Morgan bottle in his hand.

He steps a little closer to me, "I'm good at reading people. And you seemed a little judgmental in the hallway there, _Emma."_

"Hardly. I was just on duty, I'm resident advisor of those girls, I have to be stern and uphold the rules."

One eyebrow quirks up as he smiles, "and when you're off duty?"

I take a big gulp from my cup, "I drink."

"A lass after my own heart. Cheers to that." He taps his bottle to my cup then sips his rum again. I drink from mine, suppressing a smile.

When I check the time on phone, Killian mutters, "you really don't want to be here."

"What? How did- what makes you say that?"

"I told you, I can read people. When I walked in, you were completely checked out of their conversation," he gestures at Mary Margaret and the others with his bottle, "eyes glazed over, toe of your boot tapping, you must've checked your phone a dozen times in ten minutes, waiting for it to be an acceptable time to leave." At my surprised face, he smirks, "you're something of an open book, love." He swigs his drink, eyeing me over the lip of the bottle. "Which begs the question, why are you even here if you want to leave so badly? Is there a boyfriend among that group?"

Could he be more obvious.

"No, no boyfriend. This is my-"

"Killian," David exclaims, throwing an arm around him, "good to see you. I see you know Emma. Good, good. She needs more friends. It's impossible to get my little sister out of her dorm."

"little sister?" His eyebrows raise in surprise.

"By four and a half minutes," I mumble, "and he'll never let it go." David pretends not to hear me but Killian smiles.

"From your stories of her, I assumed she was a freshmen here. It's good to see the beautiful face that goes with the stories." He stares at me in a way that makes my body flush. I drop my eyes to his chest, which does little to relieve the heat as I eye his tanned skin again.

David seems oblivious to his friend's flirting, or maybe just uses to it if the rumors about Killian are true. I've heard he sleeps with a different girl every night.

"Have you two known each other long," David asks, standing in front of me slightly. Maybe he's not so oblivious then. I almost roll my eyes.

Killian shakes his head, an embarrassed smile crossing his features, "no, we just met today actually. Emma was witness to one of my ... ah, dalliances meeting another. It wasn't an ideal circumstance."

"It happened on my floor," I clarify, as David still looks confused.

"Emma was kind enough to give me some advice before sending me on my way," his eyes dance with laughter, appealingly. What is wrong with me? I cut my eyes away from him, watching Mary Margaret. Staring into his eyes? Sneaking glances at his bare chest? Just because he's attractive, yes i admit it, he's attractive, doesn't mean I need to be standing here ogling him.

"Well I had to see what was up, he was getting yelled at so loudly it was disturbing my hall." I say, as disinterested as possible, sipping my drink again.

Killian's smirk suggests he knows what I've been thinking. I don't like that I want to stay and talk to him more so I pipe up, "is August here? I've been meaning to talk to him."

David shakes his head, "I haven't seen him, but there's so many people here. You could ask M&m."

"I'll do that," I nod at them and turn around, hurrying away.

Mary Margaret confirms that August, my only other friend besides her and my brother, isn't there, so I stick with her, listening to her chatter about a project she's working on. The night creeps by as people come and go, talking to me and Mary Margaret. I refill my drink a few times.

David joins us after a while and, annoyingly, I look around the room for Killian, trying to be casual. He's fiddling around on his phone, sitting on a couch behind Mary Margaret so I can watch without being obvious.

As the night goes on, a pretty black girl sits next to him and I stare as he shares his rum with her, laughing at whatever she's saying to him. When she leans into him, her lips right at his ear, his eyes find mine. I'm pinned by his gaze, embarrassed at being caught staring but unable to look away. He grins and winks at me, his hand landing on her knee. I look away and angrily set my cup on the table beside me.

"I'm gonna go," I mutter to David, angry that I'm mad at all. Killian Jones should not be able to rile me up so easily. I vow to put him out of my mind. Should be easy enough. Even though our school is small, today is the first I've ever seen him so it should be easy to ignore him. My life can go on as it was.

That's what I want.


	3. Chapter 3

For a little over a week my plan to avoid him works well. Keeping him out of my thoughts however, proves to be near impossible. With a no show for a tutoring session, I'm left to my own devices, mind wandering as I doodle idly. And my thoughts turn to him. I don't like that he could read me so easily. Even David, my literal and actual twin brother, has trouble connecting to me most of the time.

It doesn't help that everywhere I've gone lately, I've heard people talking about him. Two girls gossiping about him in the bathroom at the student union, David mentioning him in stories, some guys complaining about him in my sociology class.

"Killian Jones you said?" ugh even here at tutoring people are talking about him? "Yes, we had a cancellation and have someone available now if you have the time?" Wait...no. I whip my head around to the front desk, scanning the faces there, while my boss, Rose, checks the schedule.

Yup

There he is with his stupid, charming smile and perfectly disheveled hair. My brows knit into a scowl as she leads him to my table. Mischievous delight floods his features.

"Emma, could you take him? Calculus." I open my mouth to protest but before I can answer, she's already walking away. Killian slips into the seat next to me, still grinning, and pulls a textbook and paper out of an old, but well cared for leather satchel. Faded initials read L.J. and I can see it's been carefully patched up in several places.

"Alright," I sigh, vowing to keep it professional so he can't creep me out by seeing into my soul or whatever. "Calculus?" I pause trying to gauge his age. Everyone usually takes a math class their freshmen year but he looks as old as David and i. "What year are you?"

"Fifth year senior. I'm afraid I left all the useless classes til the end."

"Useless?"

"Maths, language, and the likes." He waves a hand dismissively. "Useless." He rifles through his book, settling on a page with a list of problems at the end of a chapter.

"What's your major?" Must be art.

"Marine biology." Well that's unexpected. It must show on my face because he grins again. "Not what you thought?" I compose my face hastily. "And before you say 'you need maths for that, you incredibly handsome man'" I roll my eyes "you don't need calculus for what I want to do."

"Fair enough." I pull his book to me, figuring out where he is in the course. "Why calculus?"

"I procrastinated and that's all that was left."

I've heard that before. "Well I can definitely help with this but you're on your own for the language class."

"There," he brags, "I need no help. I'm perfectly fluent."

"Which language?"

"Parlez-vous français, ma belle?" French. Okay that is ...a little hot.

"Only enough to answer that with a no."

"In that case. Vous êtes une déesse" he winks, making me think it was something dirty. I make a mental note to look that up later.

"Calculus," I tap his book. He sighs but drops his gaze to the text, scooting his chair closer to mine. For a while we work through the problems. I listen to the issues he has working through the formulas and alter my approach to tutoring him as we work through questions one through three.

I sit back, watching him go through number four by himself. Being this close, I notice he has a few freckles and that his eyes are a deep blue, framed by long, dark lashes. He's wearing a bit of eyeliner, making his eyes seem bigger. A silver and black stud pierce the ear I can see from this side of him, complementing the necklace dangling around the v neck of his black shirt. He is pretty.

While he's thinking, he taps the pencil against the desk. Right handed and he's got at least three rings on each hand. He does seem to like his jewelry. But it's all rather masculine, some rough hewn while others are set with large ruby stones. My eyes go from the rings to his fingers. They're long and capable looking, marred by small scars. I'm watching the way the muscles move in his forearm when he calls my name.

"Hmmm?" His eyes on me I blush at being caught staring.

"Is this right?" Quickly I scan the paper, checking his math.

"Yes, that looks good. You added an extra step that doesn't need to be done though. Just here," I point to the paper, drawing his gaze from me.

I circle it and explain why he didn't need to do it and tell him to do the next problem.

"David talks about you quite a bit, you know."

"Yeah, we're twins. I'd expect that since we've been together our whole lives." I keep my eyes on his hand, scribbling out an answer.

He cocks his head to the side, watching me, "seems to me, from his stories and here, that you bury yourself in work."

"So" I reply, wary.

"I know what it's like, to throw yourself into something so you don't have to think about your past. So what is it you're running from, love?"

I stay silent, pretending to check his homework again but really I'm unnerved and don't want to show it. David isn't one to talk about my history with anyone but Mary Margaret so how can he guess so accurately? Because I do bury myself in work and school so I don't have to put myself back out there. It's easier.

"Most men would take your silence as off putting but i love a challenge."

"I'm just concentrating. It's my job to make sure you don't fail." I try to subtly move my chair away from him. "You did number six wrong." We lapse back to professionalism.

' _i know what it's like...so you don't have think about your past'_ What's he running from I wonder? But I won't ask. If i ask him, he has every right to ask me mine.

"See," he halts the scratch of his pencil, looking up at me, "you avoid. You're doing it now. Keep your secrets, but know I see through you. Like recognizes like, love."

I blurt out what I've been thinking this while time, "why do you care so much?"

He turns his shoulders, facing me head on, a strange, intense expression on his face. Those deep, ocean blue eyes hold mine and I can't look away. I find myself wanting to trust him, to lean in and do something stupid like kiss him. Just as the silence becomes unbearable, he smiles. A real, kind smile. "I also know what it's like to have no one to talk to. I like you, Emma. I'm just letting you know a friendly ear is available to you, should you want it"

I drop my gaze to his paper again, seeing he's finished all the questions I gave him. I check the book, finding each answer to be correct. "I think you'll be alright on your own for the rest. Come back to see me if you need more help though. I'm here every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday till 8." Peeking sideways, I see his disappointed expression. He gathers his things slowly, carefully tucking it all away into that old satchel.

As he makes to stand, I touch his arm lightly, "thank you." He nods, giving me another kind smile.

I watch him walk through the library to the front, sliding a pair of sunglasses on as he opens the door. He looks over at me and winks before the frames cover his face. How does he seem to know every time I'm staring at him? Probably just used to girls staring.

A piece of paper flutters, catching my attention, as someone walks past my table. I snatch it up. It's a note from Killian. He has surprisingly elegant script, small, with lots of embellishment, almost breaking into cursive.

 _'i know you'll be too busy watching my ass as I walk away, so I saved you the trouble of asking. 207-227-4665. K.J.'_

Stupid, pretty boy.

He is kind of nice though.

* * *

A/n I don't know a lot of French, sorry if the translations are off. Also I've never taken calculus so there's like no details. Lol. Thanks for reading anyway. You guys rock. Apologies if this is someone's real number. I picked it because it's 207-Cap-hook. Please don't call it.


	4. Chapter 4

Another Saturday night in my room. I'm trying to bully my brain into writing a paper but my thoughts keep straying. David is having another party, probably right this second, and maybe I want to go. But, annoyingly, it's not because I want to see David or Mary Margaret.

I drag my cell across my desk, thumbing the home button and bringing up my contacts. I scroll through the relatively short list and stop, finger hovering over _Killian Jones._

I'm not gonna call him. I'm not. Just cuz he was kind of sweet a few times doesn't mean I'm calling him.

 _Are u gonna need more calc help this week? -Emma_

Well I didn't call him. Bzzzz

 _Can't wait to see me again, love?_

I can practically hear his self satisfied smirk.

 _I'm just trying to plan my tutoring schedules for the week._

Bzzzz

 _Sure, love, you tell yourself that. But yes, does Wednesday at 7 work for you?_

 _Yup, I'll see you then_

Bzzzz. I'm embarrassed at how quickly i opened the message.

 _I look forward to it._

Okay, there, you talked to him, Emma, now get back to work.

I stare at my half written essay, absently tapping my phone's screen. This essay isn't even due for two more weeks. I could still go to the party. it's only 9:30. Standing up uncertainly, I toy with my phone, flipping it over and over in my hand, debating.

 _Are you at David's thing?_

I move to my closet, rifling through clothes until I feel the buzz of his reply.

 _I'm not. I'm actually taking a leaf out of your book and doing homework. Calculus is a bit much for me._

I sink onto my bed, my plans of going out vanishing. I keep things light even though I'm a little bummed.

 _On a Saturday night?_

 _Bzzzz_

 _Don't be too shocked, Swan, I do occasionally do work. I'm just about done though. They're probably all wrong._

 _Send it to me, I'll check them._

I stare at my phone, waiting for his reply. It doesn't come. I huff, refusing to wait around for Killian Jones. I pick up the latest addition to my cheesy romance novel obsession; one that dates back to my early teen years. This current one is about a pirate and a princess.

Maybe 20 minutes later my phone buzzes again.

 _Come let me in. I'm outside._

Quickly, I throw on a zip up hoodie and smooth my hair in the mirror. Then i get angry for caring what i look like around Killian at all and storm out, guessing he'll be at the stairwell closest to my room.

He slips his phone in his pocket and smiles as I open the door.

"What are you doing here?"

Killian starts climbing the stairs, looking back at me, "you said you'd check my homework."

"I meant- you could have just sent a picture," I laugh, following behind him. Fine I'll admit it, I check out his ass. What can I say, his library note got me wondering. And he can fill out a pair of jeans nicely.

"i was in the neighborhood. Level three, was it, love?" He hesitates on the landing.

I nod, brushing past him to lead him down to my room. Only after I pass an open door, do I think about what having him here looks like. Bringing the biggest player on campus to my dorm room? There'll be talk if anyone sees him. I hurry him down the hall and close the door.

He raises an eyebrow, looking between me and the door, but doesn't say anything, just shrugs out of his leather jacket. He pushes the sleeves of his (black) sweater up to his elbows. Doesn't he ever wear another color? Dropping onto my futon, he digs through his bag, presenting me with his calc book, a notebook stuffed somewhere in the middle. "There you are. Be gentle, I didn't have you to help me through it." He grins playfully as i take the book from him.

 _Milah_

That's what the tattoo says that I saw before on his arm. Now I see it extends up the inside of his forearm; a heart with the name inside it.

"Who's Milah?" I ask, nodding at his arm as i sit at the desk next to the futon, "that tattoo?"

His smile drops, his features closed off, as he shakes his sleeve down his arm. He won't meet my eyes. "Someone from long ago." All teasing and fun gone from his voice.

I can't help asking, "where is she?"

"She's gone," he taps the calc book. Now who's avoiding? But I don't push him.

Instead, I open his book and scan the problems. "really it's not too bad. Only these last six are wrong." He angles his body toward the desk and I walk him through two of the problems. "See, easy. Now try the next couple."

He pulls the book closer to him, hunching over the paper with a slight furrow to his brow. I lean back in my chair, studying him. He is cute when he's not being all smug and arrogant.

"Thank you, for helping me. I know it's Saturday night and you could have had other plans in mind." He smiles at me across his work.

I look down at my yoga pants and sweatshirt and back at him, "oh yeah, I'm forgoing lots of hot dates tonight for you."

He gives a small chuckle. "Well you do look ravishing."

Which makes heat creep up the back of my neck. Stupid. He ducks his head down to his work again. To keep myself from feeling embarrassed, I say the first thing that pops in my head. "I think I've got my old calc notes if you wanna read through them. Maybe they'd help you. Let me just go look."

It takes me a while to sort through my drawer of old class stuff. I dump old binders on my bed and eventually I find the red notebook with calculus scrawled across the cover. "here we are," I turn, holding it up for him to see and find him standing right next to me, my pirate novel in his hand.

He gives me a sly grin, one eyebrow raised, and gestures the book at me. "Romance novels? Now this is surprising. I didn't think you ever did anything for fun, let alone read books about," he turns the book over, reading the summary, "'a devilishly handsome pirate' and a 'lonely princess embarking on a forbidden romance for the ages'. You don't seem the type."

"And what," I snatch the book from him, face hot, stowing it on my bookcase, "is the type?"

"Usually middle aged women with unsatisfactory love lives or hopeless romantics. So which are you?" He waves a hand dismissively, "Obviously excluding the middle aged part."

My love life is unsatisfactory but I'm not about to tell him that. "Neither."

He hums a skeptical note in the back of his throat, "have you ever even been in love? "

My mind flashes back five years ago to a little apartment in Tallahassee. But that is not something I talk about with anyone, least of all a guy I've only known for a week. "No," I lie, "I have never been in love."

"Shame," he takes the calculus notebook from me, nodding his thanks. He sits on the futon again, tucking my notebook into his satchel.

"And you have? Been in love, I mean."

Another brow raised in my direction, "who do you think Milah was to me?" Right. People don't just get tattoos of people's names in hearts for no reason.

Was? All of a sudden I can see him as plainly as he sees me. "She died. She died and it hurt you beyond belief. That's why you jump from girl to girl. To dull the ache."

He gives me a surprised look that quickly turns hard. "For someone who's never been in love you're quite perceptive, aren't you?"

"Maybe i was in love. Once."

His face softens. "Yes, she died. I don't talk about it."

He and I do share some traits, just as he said. Like recognizes like. Seems we both run and put up walls and pretend everything is okay. I remember his words in the library ' _I also know what it's like to have no one to talk to.'_ Does he not like to talk about it or does he have no one he can talk about it with?

"Do you," I start hesitantly, "do you want to talk about it? About her?" His answering look is somehow anxious and hopeful, like no one's ever asked him that before and he's not sure if he wants to answer.

As he's opening his mouth to reply, a soft knock on the door draws my attention. Again I worry about what it looks like, having him in my room late on a Saturday night. "Just stay there, don't move please," I whisper. His brows knit, confused. I open the door and then quickly pull it closed next to my body, enough to see who's there but angled enough to hide Killian. "Hi Abigail, what's up?"

Her eyes wander past me, I guess I'm being a bit obvious. "The shower on the far right stopped working again. Just wanted you to know."

"Okay thanks," my voice is too cheery. "I'll let maintenance know."

"You okay, Emma?"

"Yup! Just doing homework, you know me, always working."

She gives me an odd look, "alriiight. Well good night, Emma."

"Night, Abigail." I practically slam the door in her face.

Killian is standing up, watching me. "You didn't want her to know I'm here." A statement. "Are you ashamed to be seen around me?" Anger colors his words but he keeps his voice quiet. Somehow that makes it worse.

"It's just that we're in my room, at night, alone, and you're, you know, you. It looks... I mean, you have a..." I trail off, uncomfortable.

A look of hurt crosses his features before he sets his jaw angrily, steel in his eyes. "A reputation?" He finishes, jaw clenched tightly. "Of course. How dare i come here and tarnish your image. I should have considered that before coming over." He turns to the desk, shoving papers into his book. "I just thought that you," he shoves the book into his bag, "I thought we could be...," he violently tugs on his leather jacket. Finally he faces me, drawing in a deep breath. "Never mind. I guess I was wrong. I'll see myself out."

He seems so disgusted with me, I can't stand it. "You'd do the same, if things were reversed," I retaliate, trying to level the field.

"No, actually I wouldn't" He slings his satchel over his shoulder, marching to the door. Pausing, one hand on the knob, he speaks vehemently to the door, "don't worry, I won't let anyone see me leave."

"Wait, Killian, that's not-"

But he's gone, pulling the door shut behind him sharply.

I feel terrible. How could i have said that? How could I have done that? Was it really such a big deal to have him here? It's not like Abigail caught us having sex. We were just doing homework, having fun. Being friends.

 _'i thought we could be...'_

Friends.

And I realize, I do want to be friends with him. Me, who makes excuses not to go to parties, who doesn't even see my own brother regularly, who only has three friends in the world. I want Killian Jones as a friend. We understand each other.

Ugh, the guilt caves in on me. I leap across the room and pull the door open, intent on finding him. When I don't see him in the hall, I rush to the stairwell. No sound of footsteps. I take the steps two at a time, barreling into the door at the bottom.

"Killian," I call out after I open it. "Killian, come back. I'm sorry."

But he's gone again. I scan the empty courtyard, crestfallen.

I trudge back upstairs slowly, suddenly very weary, and crawl into bed.

I'll fix this.


	5. Chapter 5

I slept poorly the rest of the weekend, tossing and turning guiltily and not getting anything much done during waking hours. I couldn't believe how judgemental I had been! I'm not like that.

As soon as the sun started peeking over the horizon today, Monday, I was up, hurrying through breakfast, a workout, and a shower, impatiently waiting for it to be late enough for classes to start.

On Sunday, I had looked up the times of all the intro calc classes, so here I am walking my butt over to the math building at 8:45a.m. and parking it on one of the couches on the main floor so I have a good view of everyone coming and going. I sit through the 8, 9:30, and 11am classes, listening to music and nervously tapping the toe of my boot on the floor.

Just when I'm about given up, thinking I'd missed him, I finally spot his leather jacket through the crowd. He's heading away from me, already halfway to a side door leading outside when I bolt up. I call his name, weaving between people as quickly as I can.

He pushes through the door, either ignoring me or not hearing me. I'm right on his heels, practically pushing over a guy in a red beanie to get him out of the doorway. "Hey," I grab Killian's elbow, trying to turn him towards me.

He turns, popping out an earbud. As he realizes it's me, surprise flickers across his features, quickly turning to anger then indifference. "What?"

Guilt washes over me full force again, seeing him. I'm realizing now, I didn't plan anything to say. That was dumb. I blurt out, "I'm sorry." His indifference doesn't waver so I continue. "I'm so sorry, Killian. I'm a terrible person. You were nothing but nice to me and I was stupid and judgemental. I'm...I'm-"

I stop babbling when a sarcastic smile creeps across his face. "Oh no, do go on please."

"I'm serious. I felt terrible the second you left. I went after you," I duck my head, rubbing my boot across the ground. "I still feel terrible. You have every right to hate me. But I hope you don't. I hope you can forgive me." I glance at him, gauging his reaction.

He looks at me evenly, not betraying anything he's feeling. I take a deep breath. "Look, I just panicked. I take my job too seriously sometimes and I wasn't thinking clearly. But I've thought about it all weekend and now I see, it doesn't matter. You're my friend and I'm not ashamed to be seen with you." Still no reaction. "I skipped all my classes today to wait for you."

I make myself shut up so he can respond.

Another smile lights his face, just a little mocking. "All of your classes, hmm? Alright, come on, lunch is on you." He winks, starting to walk away.

What? A small, tentatively happy feeling bubbles in my chest. "Wait, you forgive me, just like that?"

He turns back, still smiling. "You're not the only one who had time to think about what happened. And," he rolls his eyes, "maybe I overreacted a bit. And you seem genuinely distraught over your actions. It's good form to forgive your friends, right?"

I heave a relieved sigh, moving to walk beside him. "Right." I give him a small smile, "thank you. So where do you want to eat?"

He nods toward the north side of campus, "Beanstalk?" the best coffee place in our little town. They also make these great giant sized subs.

"Absolutely."

It's a short walk there, followed by a long wait in line, but we finally get our food (I do pay) and settle in at a table outside.

After eating a few bites of his sandwich, he looks at me with an eyebrow raised. "How did you know when I had calculus?"

A blush settles on my face, "well I didn't know exactly when you had class. I looked up the times of all the intro calc classes and I just waited there for a few hours, looking out for you."

He's looking at me like he wants to laugh but also a little touched. "You could have just called me, Swan." He returns to his sandwich, shaking his head slightly.

I didn't think he would have answered the phone if my name popped up on caller id. i munch on my sub, thinking about my stupid reaction in my dorm. Since Beanstalk is right across the street from campus, students were watching us on their commutes. And really, it didn't bother me. At least not anymore than when people stare when I'm alone.

We eat in silence for a while. I watch the people that pass our table until I hear Killian clear his throat. When I look back at him, there's an uncomfortable set to his features. "Emma, I know what you said earlier, but my reputation...does it really bother you to be seen with me?"

"No, Killian, really. I'm sorry. I told you, I just wasn't thinking. Or I was over thinking I guess. But it doesn't matter." I shrug. "Once I thought about it, I realized it's stupid to worry about what other people think. And it's stupid to judge people based on their ...relationships. So I'm gonna be friends with whomever I want." I can see that my words put him at ease. The storm of worry that clouded his features turns smooth, his eyes a calm ocean again.

He raises an eyebrow, smirking, "and you want to be my friend?"

"Yup." I've gotta stop with this whole 'ocean eyes' crap. He is just a guy.

"Good, because I'd like to be yours as well."

Brings my total up to four. Won't David be proud.

We hang out for another hour or so until Killian has another class. He's surprisingly easy to talk to and, when we part ways, I find I wish we weren't. Don't get so attached, Emma. You hardly know him.

The smile he gives me before he leaves makes me wish I did though.

* * *

A/n sorry it's been so long since I've written. I've been dealing with stuff. and sorry it's kind of on the short side again. Thanks for reading.


	6. Chapter 6

"Someone's in a good mood today." Mary Margaret coos, handing me a cup of hot chocolate.

Since my Tuesday nights are free, I usually spend them with David or M&M. This particular night finds me sitting at her kitchen table, chatting about our lives.

She plops a tin of cinnamon on the table before sitting across from me, "you've been smiling since you got here."

That's embarrassing. I'd been thinking about my talk with Killian yesterday. "Is it a crime to be happy?" I say, crossing my arms.

"No," she grins, adding cinnamon to our cups, "it's just a little strange to see on you. Especially after you were so upset this weekend. Which you never explained to me by the way?" Her sentence ends with a questioning note, trying to coax information out of me.

I don't want her to make a bigger deal out of this than it is so I chose my words carefully. "I made a new friend but then I did something stupid and almost pushed them away. I guess I'm happy because we made up yesterday."

Her answering smile is almost painfully happy. "Oh Emma, that's wonderful. Anyone I know?"

I gulp some hot chocolate, stalling. The taste brings back a million childhood memories. Mary Margaret has been there for me at every twist and turn since we met, never judging me or letting me down. When none of the other kids would play with me, when the boy I asked to 8th grade formal turned me down, after Tallahassee; Mary Margaret was there with a hug and some hot chocolate. "Yeeeaah...it's um, Killian Jones."

"Oh," she says, shock evident on her face. "That's... unexpected. Why- how did that happen?"

I don't miss the 'why' before she changed directions with her question. "We got talking at the party week before last and I'm tutoring him in calculus. I like him. We understand each other." I shrug, downplaying the whole thing so she doesn't get the wrong idea about the two of us. "I don't think he has many friends either."

Her face softens into the kind smile that is her default facial expression. "That's fantastic. I'm happy for you, Emma. David will be too. We don't want you to spend so much time alone."

I feel like I'm never alone. I'm always rushing off to school or to help save someone's grade or helping at the front desk of my dorm. I'm always around people. But I know she's talking about like actually connecting to someone on a personal level.

Mercifully, the conversation drifts away from my antisocial behavior.

Mary Margaret is an early childhood education major in her last year of college so she's student teaching at the local elementary school. She tells me stories of the kids, sweet ones where the kids make her art projects and hilariously terrible ones of melt downs. "As much as I love the little kids, I think I want to go a little older. Fourth or fifth grade. I can switch grades in a few-"

My brother interrupts her with a small kiss. "How are my two favorite girls today?"

"Hey David."

"How was work." He sits in the chair between M&M and I. David works at an animal shelter so he kind of smells a bit like dog right now so I slide my chair away slightly.

As he's recounting his day, I pull out my phone. I don't get too many messages so I don't check it that often, especially when I'm with the only people who ever text me. So I'm kind of surprised to see three unread messages scroll across the top on my phone.

 _Hello Swan_

 _Are we still on for calculus tomorrow?_

 _I don't think I ever thanked you for lunch. You didn't really have to pay for me. Let me make it up to you sometime?_

Killian. I smile, tapping out a reply.

 _Hello Killian. Calc session is definitely on._

Silence makes me glance up at Dave and M&M. They're both watching me. "Yes?"

"Who are you texting? We're both here." David laughs.

Mary Margaret touches his arm, giving him an excited look, "Emma has a new friend." She sounds like a proud mom. I roll my eyes as my brother gasps overzealously, putting a hand over his heart.

"I never thought I'd see the day! Should we set up a play date?" They dissolve into laughter.

"Ha ha, you're both hilarious," I grumble, surprising a grin. Sometimes they act more like embarrassing parents than my friend and brother.

Bzzz bzzz

I try to check the message sneakily. I don't think I'm fooling them.

 _Perfect, we just started a new unit. I'm hopelessly lost._

"But how did you meet someone new?! You've avoided people your whole life. If M&M hadn't had cookies, I don't think you'd be her friend now." David thinks he's so funny.

Bzzz bzzz

 _Is that a no for dinner then?_

I debate for a few seconds, finger hovering over the keyboard.

 _When?_

 _Bzzz bzzz_

 _Are you free now?_

They're still laughing at my expense when I stand up, cuffing David on the shoulder playfully. "If you two are just going to make fun of me, maybe I'll just go hang out with my new friend."

He quiets down, "seriously, who is it?"

 _Yeah dinner sounds great. I'm starving_

"Killian." I look back at him over my phone.

David's eyes widen, "Jones?" I nod. "Emma," he starts carefully, "I like Killian but are you sure it's only friendship he's after?"

Of course he'd jump _there._ "That's not a concern, Dave. I don't date, you know that."

He frowns, "neither does Killian."

"He's just a friend. I swear." I shrug on my red jacket, phone tight in my hand waiting for his reply. "I'll see you guys later, okay?" I'm halfway to the door already.

"Wait," M&M calls, "you're coming to the Halloween party on Saturday right?"

"Yup, I'll be there." I'm actually looking forward to it too. Weird.

Bzzz bzzz

 _Wonderful. Rogers in 15?_

* * *

A/n WOW thanks guys! I was feeling like no one wanted to read this but in the past few days my views and followers have literally doubled. Makes me excited for this again. I promise, I have lots of chapters I want to write. Hope you all enjoy my little show Easter eggs


	7. Chapter 7

Rogers, I soon find out, is a bar. I guess even after four years here, I still haven't been to every building in town.

I'm standing outside the front of the bar, staring at my phone like one does when they want to avoid the gaze of other people and appear like they're texting the person they're waiting for.

So I'm scrolling through Facebook, updating my feed every once in a while even though nothing changes, trying to look busy. I'm cursing myself for always being early when I feel a tap on my shoulder.

"Hello, Swan."

I turn around quickly, seeing the pleasantly disheveled Killian Jones smiling down at me. I nod, "Killian."

"Apologies if I kept you waiting." He strides ahead of me, pulling open the door and holding it for me to pass through. "I work Tuesdays and got held up today."

"that's alright, I wasn't waiting long." He leads us to a booth close to a juke box and hands me slightly sticky menu.

Bar _and_ grille, I was wrong.

"Where do you work?" I skim the menu. Not a bad selection. Bar food of course, but burgers and seafood too.

He doesn't even glance at a menu. Maybe he's here a lot. "Grumpy's on 2nd street."

"Isn't that a bar?"

"Aye, it is."

"You frequent a lot of bars do you?" I glance at him, an eyebrow raised.

He smirks, "my fair share." The waitress sets a dark beer in front of Killian. "This one is my favorite though."

"Oh he's just saying that so I charge him less for shots." The girl swats his arm playfully. She's the pretty girl from the party the other night. I try not to dislike her. "What can I get you to drink, dear?"

I scan the beers on tap and pick a local favorite of mine.

"Do you work? Outside of being an RA and a tutor, I mean."

Setting my menu down, I give him a sceptical look. "With all of the free time those obligations leave me?" He grins at my sarcasm. "Can't say that I do. They're enough though. The RA gig gives me free room and board and goes toward tuition while the tutoring is my spending money." I shrug. "But money is not interesting to talk about soooo you work at a bar?"

"Aye, it's actually my favorite bar but we don't serve food so I frequent here a lot since it's close to my apartment and their fish sandwich is the best in town."

"The best, huh? Guess we'll see."

When the waitress, Ulla, (what kind of name is Ulla, really) comes back, we order the fish sandwiches. Killian tells me funny stories from his bar while we wait. After a particularly funny one about a girl screaming the lyrics to Singing in the Rain and falling flat on her face after trying to dance with an umbrella, I'm genuinely laughing hard. Something that doesn't happen too often.

I quiet eventually and drink the rest of my beer.

"Want another?" Killian inclines his head to my glass.

"No, thanks, I'm good."

He smirks, "are you worried you'll find me even more irresistible after a few more libations?" Then he rests his chin against the hand propped on the table, giving me this smoldering look.

I'm kind of mad that it pulls me up short for a second. He's too good looking for his own good. "Nooo," I drawl, closing my eyes and shading my head, "I'm driving and I don't like to drink and drive."

He gives me this look that clearly says 'sure, love, whatever you say' but doesn't say anything since our food is arriving. I pointedly ask for a glass of water.

Then I take a bite of the sandwich.

"Oh my god," I mutter around my next huge bite. "This is perfect." The breading is flaky and slightly spicy with juicy meat inside.

"I told you."

We're quiet for a few minutes after that, enjoying the food.

"So why marine biology?" I've genuinely been curious since that first tutoring session.

His face softens, "I've loved the sea my whole life. My brother... my brother, Liam, was in the royal navy so I grew up around the water. Even before the navy, we lived near the coast and learned to sail from our father. Nearly all of my happy memories from childhood are on the water." He pauses, taking a sip of beer, "so I want to save it. Ocean conservation is the life for me."

That's actually really sweet. I wasn't expecting that. Killian Jones definitely has much more going on than everyone thinks. But instead of saying something like that, I lamely say, "wow, that's pretty cool."

He waves me off, "it's just something I enjoy. What about you, Swan, what's your major?"

"Criminal justice... I want to be a homicide investigator."

His eyebrows raise, impressed, I think. Then a thoughtful expression crosses his features, "you know, I can see that. You like to help people and what better way to help people then becoming a cop."

And now I'm surprised. He's done it again, seen right through me. How can someone I barely know know me better than almost everyone in my life? Because that's exactly why I want to be a criminal investigator. I want to help people. Maybe he doesn't know why that's so important to me, but he's gathered enough to know it's important.

I feel too exposed. His ocean eyes see too much. Ugh, and I still can't stop thinking stupid, sappy things about his eyes. I have to go, now.

I push myself to the edge of the booth, preparing to leave, and register the hurt on his face before he smoothes it out again. I feel bad but not enough to stay. "Sorry, it's getting late. I have some work to do before I go to sleep." I stand up, pulling out a few bills. "Thanks for dinner, here's for the tip." I tell him to text me as I back away from the table before fast walking to the door.

Once I'm in my car, I take a few deep breaths.

Okay, Emma, I chide myself, you knew before this that he understands you in some weird, deep way.

It takes me the couple minutes drive back to my dorm to figure out why I'm really upset. Killian Jones is sweet and he makes me laugh and we connect. Not to mention, I'm attracted to the guy. Killian Jones is someone I could love and that is dangerous.

* * *

A/n sorry it's been a while. Hope you guys like this not date date. Lol as always thanks for reading. You guys keep me writing


	8. Chapter 8

_Hey Emma_

 _No tutoring tonight? Rose just emailed us. Are you alright?_

 _Good morning_

 _Lunch today?_

 _Emma_

 _Swan, are you ignoring me?_

 _definitely ignoring me_

Maybe it's cowardly, but I ignore his texts the rest of the week. When Mary Margaret asks me about Tuesday, I change the subject. I even went so far as to cancel my tutoring sessions on Wednesdays to be sure I wouldn't see him. I feel bad about it but I needed some space.

I'm thinking I should have cancelled today too since only one person showed up. After an hour of reading (my pirate and princess novel if I'm being honest), Rose comes over and tells me I can leave early. "I'll take them if anyone shows up."

So I pack up my stuff and shrug on my red leather jacket, waving goodbye to Rose as I exit the library...and run directly into Killian, nearly falling over.

"Emma!" He steadies me.

"Oh...hey," I say lamely, sidestepping him and walking toward my dorm. There's a chill in the air, the weather finally starting to change to fall in Maine. Or maybe it's just a storm brewing if the dark clouds overhead are any indication. Either way, I tug the zipper of my jacket higher, speeding up my pace to avoid rain and Killian.

"Swan? Come on. Talk to me." I slow down slightly but keep my face turned away from him, set in a hard expression. Suddenly his hand reaches out, gripping my elbow. "Don't tell me you're not ignoring me anymore, because I'm actually quite perceptive"

And now I feel more terrible but how can I keep being around him with him being so damn likable. "Sorry, it's just..." I finally look at him, his features are set with annoyance but his eyes look hurt. I take a deep breath, my will softening. So I touch his hand, still on my elbow, and say, with genuine feeling this time, "I'm sorry. I'm dealing with something right now and you got in the middle of it. It wasn't fair to ignore you." Then I gently tug my arm out of his grip and start toward my dorm again, but very slowly this time so he understands he can follow.

"Dealing with something?" He asks incredulously. I just nod. "Alriiiiight," he draws out the word, maybe hoping for more specifics. Yeah, good luck buddy. A few moments silence before he says conversationally "Well thanks to your cancellation on Wednesday, I probably failed a quiz today. So just know that's on your shoulders."

I gape at him, my turn to sound incredulous as I get out, "how do you figure that? It's your class. How is it my fault-" he presses his lips together to contain a grin, unsuccessfully. I shove his shoulder, hard, and he starts laughing.

"Kidding, kidding. Though I probably only scraped a 'c'." He contains his laughter long enough to give me an earnest look with big, puppy dog eyes, "I studied for hours on my own. It's just not the same without you."

"I should let you fail," I say loftily, suppressing my own smile as we approach my dorm "but think of my reputation."

"Ah yes, the Savior of Grades, the Hero of the GPA, guaranteed to boost you one whole letter grade at least. Don't worry, Swan, I'm not actively trying to bring you down." I swipe my key fob and Killian opens the door for me to pass through. There he goes being nice again.

We move up the stairs, I go first so I can avoid looking at him again. It's probably best I look at him as little as possible until I can clamp down on these wayward tendrils of feelings.

"What are we doing here, Swan?"

"That depends. Do you have your calculus stuff with you?" We pass through the door to my floor and I wave to Anna, the girl with the room across from mine, as she passes us with a basket of laundry.

"Not my book, but I have my notes and the ones you loaned me." I unlock my door and wave him inside, nodding.

I slowly unload my bag, putting all my things away. Then I hang my jacket up in my closet and kick off my boots. "Great, then we'll work on that for a while." I pick up some pencils and a notebook, preparing to tutor. At his silence I finally look at him again. He's leaning against my desk with his arms crossed, watching me.

When I meet his gaze, he smiles, "is there a reason you won't look at me." Jesus, why am I so transparent to this guy?

"Nope," I sit on the futon, waiting for him. I think he shakes his head disbelievingly but I'm focusing on the paper in my lap and can't see him that well. He sits down, pulling his notebooks from his worn satchel, and for a while, everything feels normal. We just work through the notes he's taken and I give him sample problems from my old notes. Rain starts beating against my window with increasing fervor the longer we study.

After about two hours or so, I feel like he's really got a handle on the easy and mid-level complexity equations and lean back against the couch. "That's great. I don't think you're going to have nearly as many problems from now on. You've really got it." I smile and he leans back too, looking pleased.

"Thanks, love, you've been such a huge help." He rubs a hand over his face and through his hair, making it more pleasantly disheveled. Please stop. "Haven't got any rum, have you? To celebrate?"

I roll my eyes, "'fraid not. How bout a beer?" I don't like keeping anything stronger than Bud in my room since most of my girls are 18.

"Perfect."

I retrieve two beers from my mini-fridge and hand him one as I sit on the futon again, maybe just a little closer than we'd been before. Killian puts his calculus stuff back in hid bag then twists the top off the beer. "Cheers" he says and holds the bottle up to mine.

Our bottles clink as I tap mine to his. I take a long sip, studying him out of the corner of my eye. When my eyes fall on his bag and the patch with the initials, I have to ask, "what's L.J.?"

He raises an eyebrow, confused, so I point to his bag on the floor between us. "Oh, it's Liam Jones. It was my brother's bag."

"He gave it to you?"

"Not exactly," he gulps his drink and watches me, looking like he's deciding something. When he lowers the bottle, he continues, "but I did obtain all of Liam's things five years ago." My confusion must show because he smiles sadly, "he died, Emma."

Open mouth, insert foot. I'm literally the worst friend, either ignoring him or bringing up dead loved ones. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know. I wasn't trying to bring up-"

He cuts me off, "it's fine, love. You couldn't have known." He still looks so sad though. I reach out and touch his hand without thinking about it.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

As he did the last time I asked him that question, about Milah that time, he looks anxious and hopeful and this time no one knocks on my door so I get his answer. "Sure," he swallows hard, looking away from me, at the satchel, "Liam was my whole family. My mother died when I was very young and my father abandoned us not long after. No other family to speak of, so Liam and I bounced around from one bad group home to the next until he was old enough to enter the royal navy.

He cared for me my whole life, keeping me out of trouble and teaching me all the things a father should. All through my secondary school years, Liam and I had an apartment together and it might have been small and dark, but it was a home."

He smiles at some memory and then finally looks back up at me, "Liam was a lot like your charming brother; honorable, hard-working, stubborn, always willing to help others" The light of his smile fades as he continues, "When I was nearly eighteen, Liam was out at sea, working an extra shift for one of his mates. He wasn't supposed to be working that day. He had a severe allergic reaction to something we didn't even know he was allergic to. They couldn't save him." He's silent then, staring down at his beer bottle.

"I'm so sorry, Killian," I say quietly. I reach for his hand again, keeping it there this time. He squeezes mine gently, giving me a small smile, and another vine of affection worms its way into my heart. I want to pull away, to shield myself but, after what he told me, that would be too heartless, even for me. So I take a deep breath and say, "David and I lost our parents when we were seven." I don't say anything else. I don't need to. I know he'll understand I'm not overlooking his pain in favor of mine, just stating that I understand it. To an extent anyway.

And he must understand, because he just squeezes my hand again and doesn't say anything.

After a few moments I clear my throat, pulling away from him to stand up. I mutter a quick "bathroom" as I slip out the door.

I splash some water on face once I'm in front of a sink, mentally kicking myself. Hearing about how much he loved his _dead_ brother did nothing to hamper any feelings I might be having for him. But how can I ignore him now? I can't.

I scowl at my reflection. Alright, I can't ignore him but I can keep my feelings in check. We'll be friends, that's it.

So I march back to my room and stand near my tv. "Wanna see what's on Netflix?"

He nods, smiling.

I settle on my bed as we debate which movie to watch, finally settling on the Princess Bride. And it's nice, spending time with someone who isn't my brother and his girlfriend.

After the movie, he stretches, giving a huge yawn. "Well, I guess I'll go. Good night, love."

He makes to stand up but, after glancing out the window to see it's still a downpour, I raise one hand, stopping him. "Did you drive to the library?" When he shakes his head, some altruistic part of me can't help blurting out, "you can't walk in that. You're welcome to sleep on my futon." And I jump up, gathering some blankets from my extra closet and shoving them at him before I can change my mind.

"Thank you," he looks surprised but takes the blankets.

"Alright then." Then I give him one of my pillows and flee to the bathroom to change into pajamas. This is something friends do for each other. This is not because I like him. Not at all.

And I almost believe myself until I walk back in my room and see him in his boxer briefs and t-shirt about to sit back down on the now made up futon. My cheeks flare up and I drop my gaze, high-tailing it to my own bed. I turn on the lamp by my bed and motion for him to hit the overhead light switch.

"Sorry, love," and I can tell he's smiling from his tone. It's enough to turn my embarrassment into annoyance. He turns off the light and lays down. "I just can't sleep in jeans."

I roll my eyes. "I think you just don't like wearing clothing." I think of how we met and how his shirts are always half unbuttoned or low v-necks.

"You got me there," he jokes, turning on his side to watch me. His grin fades, turning serious. "Thank you, Swan. I wasn't much looking forward to the trek home in this weather. I'm very grateful."

"No problem. That's what friends are for. And it's the least I could do. After ignoring you." I smile, hoping he's not mad about it.

To my relief he smiles again. "Good might, Swan."

"Night, Killian." I snap my light off, laying down. I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep with him in my room but I find myself drifting off easily, enjoying the sounds of the rain and his even, deep breaths.

* * *

A/n yikes! It's been a million years since I updated. I'm sorry! I was working a lot and I got a request for another fic I'm writing and then my sister was in town. Anyway, I made this chapter longer to make up for it. I hope you like it. Sorry for torturing you guys with the last chapter. Thanks for reading, it means the world to me


	9. Chapter 9

When I wake up the next morning, Killian is still sleeping. He's on his side with an arm propped under his head, snoring very softly. I glance outside; dark clouds but no more rain. I sit up in bed carefully, looking back over at Killian to make sure I don't disturb him.

His face is relaxed in sleep, no dark scowl or amused, cocky grin and I find myself staring. Not for the first time, I notice how attractive he is; slightly hollow cheeks, good skin, beard scruff a little darker than yesterday. He moves his head and his dark hair falls across his forehead. The urge to brush it away and trail my fingers down his cheek flares up inside me, startling in its intensity.

I give my head a shake and grab my romance novel off my nightstand, determined to keep myself occupied until he wakes up. And it mostly works, until I get to a sex scene and keep darting my eyes to Killian, sure he'll wake up and know what I'm reading.

But he doesn't. I'm almost at the end when I hear a small groan and see Killian stretch out of the corner of my eye.

"Morning, Sleeping Beauty," I chime, setting my book down again.

He squints at me, rasping out a "morning" as he sits up. "What time is it?"

I glance at my clock. I've always preferred a good old fashioned alarm clock to the alarm on my cell, just in case I ever forget to charge my phone. "10:47."

"Ugh," he stretches again then shoots me a look of sleepy amusement as he swings his feet to the floor and stands. "I have to work at noon."

I keep my face carefully composed as I point to the fridge, "feel free to take a water." I try to keep my gaze away from him without being obvious but a stubbornly curious part of me can't help but check him out when he stands up. The briefs hug his form ...impressively.

Then he's tugging his jeans up and I manage to turn my face down to my phone before he looks over at me again.

"Thanks again, Swan. For everything." His face is serious, conveying he means more than just for the place to sleep.

I think of the conversation about his brother and say, with feeling, "any time." He smiles and sits down again, lacing his black boots. "Are you going to the Halloween party at David's tonight?" Please please please.

"Aye, Dave insisted I come and I'm happy to oblige. I'm not one to pass up a chance to dress up and drink."

He's dressing up. I can't wait to see this. "What are you going as?"

"No spoilers, Swan." He wags a finger at me admonishingly, smirking. He takes a sweater from his bag, pulling it on as he stands up. "You're going too, then? To the party?"

I nod, gesturing to my closet, "got my costume all ready."

Instead of leaving right away like I thought he would, Killian picks up his blanket and starts folding it carefully. "Oh you don't have to-" I start.

"Yes, I do," he interrupts. "My brother managed to cram some manners in my head." He gives me a lazy smile as he sets the now folded blanket on the edge of my bed, bringing his face about a foot away from mine. I instantly tense, my eyes locking on the blanket so I won't see his face so close to mine and do something dumb. But I can feel his warmth and lean in a little, subconsciously, only realising it when our arms bump.

"Emma..." his voice is low and full of some emotion I can't identify. I can't help looking at him then and feel electricity spark as soon as his eyes find mine. And he's right there. His dark hair is still flopped over his forehead, lips parted slightly. I move toward him a little more... a little more.

"I'll see you at the party." And then he's pulling back, cold air rushing into the space between us. Suddenly I feel very foolish and a blush threatens to spill across my cheeks.

What was I expecting? A kiss? Come on, Emma. "Yeah," I mumble, "see you later."

I flop back on my bed, pulling the covers over my face. It takes all my will power not to groan with embarrassment. That is not in any way how you stay 'just friends' with someone.

After another few minutes of hiding, I kick myself into gear, showing and getting ready for my shift at the front desk of my dorm. I try to put Killian out of my mind by thinking of the party tonight. But I can't deny he's a big reason why I'm excited about it. To see his costume of course. Nothing else. Nope, definitely not.

The end of my shift _finally_ arrives and I bolt upstairs. I'd worked an extra long shift today so I'm already running late to the party.

I pull the costume from my closet and smile at it. It's totally a 180 from my normal wardrobe but when Mary Margaret and I went shopping last week for my costume, I couldn't say no. The floaty blue and white fabric rustles as I pull it on and settle it on my frame. I check it out in the mirror; the bodice shows an ample amount of cleavage, the skirt swishes around my legs, and the short sleeves hang off my shoulders. I love it.

Hastily, I reapply my makeup, adding some eye shadow. When it comes to my hair though, I take the time to arrange half of it up and pinned around a small tiara that came with the dress and leave the rest curled and hanging down my back. I feel like a princess, which, this once, I'm okay with.

Satisfied with my appearance, I hurry to catch the bus that will take me close to David's. Don't want to drink and drive and the heavy clouds overhead are threatening rain again so walking is out.

I see a few other people dressed up on the bus so I don't feel stupid walking around as a princess. I nod hello to Leroy, who works at the library with me, who's sitting with a group of his friends. It looks like they're either dressed as dwarves or hobbits. He smiles and gestures at my dress then gives a thumbs up.

After a few more stops, I get off, hurrying the last block to the party. I smile wryly to myself, wishing for a pumpkin and some mice right about now.

"EMMMMAAAA!" a loud voice calls as I make my way up the yard. David leans over the porch railing, smiling hugely. He's wearing a black shirt and red pants with suspenders.

I'm not sure what his costume is until M&M walks through the door wearing a red and white polka dot dress and a bow with mouse ears. Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Finally at the porch, I hug her and say "very cute" and point between them. She gives a curtsy.

"David wouldn't wear the ears." She rolls her eyes at me.

"They hurt my head," he leans in for a hug and whispers, "and they looked way dorkier on me than her." I laugh and hug him back. "But you," he pulls back, looking at my dress, "look amazing. You never wear dresses. You're like Cinderella or Snow White in that."

"That was the idea." David leads me inside, an arm around my shoulders. I see some mummies and vampires and other classic Halloween costumes. There's also superheroes and cartoon characters and lots of sexy versions of things; cops, Disney princesses, and even one Harry Potter. David and MM went all out for decorations too; jackolanterns, ghosts, cobwebs, etc. "It looks so spooky in here." I waggle my fingers in the air and adopt a silly, scared expression.

"Oh I know," David smirks, handing me one of the hidden cold beers from a box of waffles in the freezer.

I twist off the cap, "it's probably not princessey to drink beer huh?"

"I think that mead would be more appropriate, given the era your attire was in fashion," a light, accented voice jokes behind me. My heart leaps.

Killian.

I move, letting him be part of our circle. My eyes widen as I take in his costume; tight leather pants tucked into tall black boots, a black puffy shirt tucked into the pants with a red and black brocade vest buttoned snugly over it. The top six or seven buttons are undone, revealing a larger than normal view of his tan, hairy chest. A fake sword dangles off a thick belt along with what looks like an old fashioned compass. He has on his usual jewelry but only has rings on one hand as the other holds a fake hook.

He is one sexy Captain Hook.

A pirate.

And I'm a princess.

No way. Horror rushes through me. "Did you do this on purpose?" I accuse. He looks confused so I add quietly, "because of my book?"

Comprehension floods his features as he takes another look up and down at my dress. My body? No, stop, don't go there. "No, love, I swear. I always dress as a pirate for Halloween." He gives me a smug grin, "isn't it almost like we planned it though?"

"Planned what?" M&M asks, looking between us curiously.

"Nothing. Just something from a book I'm reading. It doesn't matter because we didn't plan it." I huff, taking a long drink of my beer to hide my embarrassment.

Killian is still staring at me, smiling his cocky grin. "You look lovely, Swan."

I narrow my eyes, not sure if he's still teasing me, "thanks."

"Truly you do, your highness."

Definitely making fun of me.

Maybe he's finally picking up on the twin SOS telepathy thing or maybe he just doesn't like Killian staring at me when I have so much cleavage showing, but David cuts in, changing the subject.

I check out of the conversation for a little bit, composing myself again. Just a coincidence. He's always a pirate. I can believe that. Being a pirate suits him.

It suits him _quite_ well. Those leather pants are a gift.

Mary Margaret brings me back into the conversation after a while and I forget my embarrassment.

And it's nice, parties aren't so bad, I decide.

* * *

"Hey, Emma." I turn from the group that had slowly started forming around David and Mary Margaret while we talked. A tall guy in a leather jacket smiles slyly at me

"August, hi," I give him a hug then pull back, glaring at him, "you didn't dress up." I can feel eyes on the back of my head.

"Yeah you know that's not my thing. I only came to see you since you've been MIA for the past three weeks." He nods at David, who waves, midstory with a group of his football friends.

I know I should feel bad about that but all I can muster is a little chagrin. I pull him into our group and notice it's Killian watching us. "Sorry, I was dealing with some things." I glance at Killian even though I try not to. August gives him an appraising look then turns to me, eyebrow raised in question. "August, this is Killian Jones. Killian, August Booth."

They shake hands, doing that macho thing guys do where they squeeze the other's hand too hard. "Killian, this is my only other friend besides my brother and his girlfriend." August gives a short laugh, nodding.

"Nice to meet you," Killian says darkly, looking on the verge of a scowl. "If you'll excuse me though, I need some fresh air." And he's leaving. I watch him go with a pang. What's up with him? Does he not like August?

When I turn to August again, he's looking at me curiously. "So, you're _friends_ with Killian Jones?"

I narrow my eyes, a little offended with his tone on ' _friends'._ "Yeah I've been tutoring him and we hang out sometime."

"Hmm"

I wait for him to continue.

"It's just... he's Killian Jones, Emma." I'm suddenly so angry at myself for ever judging him like everyone in my life has been.

"Yup, and we're friends. That's that." He backs off at my steely look, holding his hands up in surrender. Still a little mad, I huff, "you want a drink? We can talk for a while."

He nods so I grab him a beer and we sit and catch up. When I ask if he wants another one though, he declines.

"Sorry, Emma, can't. I have a umm... a meeting to get to. Very important." He seems to have forgotten I know that's code for 'I've got a girl waiting.'

That's the thing I forget about August a lot, he never sticks around for long.

"Alright," I sigh, giving him another quick hug. "I'll see you later then. Enjoy your _meeting."_

After he leaves, I look around the packed room. Are there more people in here than there were ten minutes ago? How many people do David and M&M know? This girl dressed as Cleopatra is eying the seat August just vacated, her cheerleader friend close behind, so I get up and wander toward the front door, thinking it might be less crowded on the porch.

I push open the door and savor the freshness. I didn't realize how hot it had gotten in that living room. The cool air dries my damp skin and I breathe in the scent of rain, which is just barely starting to come down. When I glance around, I only see a few people, most of them smoking, but past a guy in a toga (there's always one) I see a pirate leaning against the railing.

"Hey" I say, sidling up next to Killian, sitting on one of the pillars used for stability for the porch.

He glances at me then away, his face stony "Is the Halloween hater gone then?"

"Halloween hat- August?" He hums his assent, a small annoyed sound.

"Yeah, he's gone. He never stays long." Annoyed. And he left right after August got there. And the macho handshake thing. Wow. "Killian, are you jealous?"

He cuts his gaze to me, surprised. "Jealous," he sputters, voice cracking slightly "of that man child? Why would I be jealous?"

I cock my head to the side, appraising him, "because I said he was my only other friend. You know I wasn't excluding you in that? Of course you're my friend too." I go to touch his hand, but it's the one holding the hook, so I just get leather and metal.

His face instantly smoothes but his jaw stays hard and clenched. He pulls his arm away from mine and his voice is under control again, if a little bitter, as he says, "yes of course. We're _friends_ too." He mumbles something under his breath that sounds like 'just friends' but I can't be sure.

"Killian?" I ask, concerned and curious. What did 'just friends' mean? My heart beats a little faster. Is he upset because we are only friends? Does he want-

"If you'll excuse me, Swan, I see the lovely Ulla inside. I must say hello." He walks away briskly.

Ulla? From the bar? From her putting her hand on his thigh at that first party we were both attending? I whip my head around and there she is. Looking very pretty as Daenerys from Game of Thrones. Jealousy burns inside me as I see him slide his hand over her back as they hug.

I jump off the railing, stomach clenching, and storm back into the party, making a beeline for Mary Margaret as soon as I see her.

"Whoa what's wrong with you?" She laughs as I tug her arm so she moves to where I can watch Killian and _Ulla_ without being obvious. "Seriously, are you okay?"

"Just fine," I say through gritted teeth. "Just stay there so I can check something." She's sent her friend away and is standing so close to Killian, I'm surprised his hook hadn't ripped her dress yet.

"You've got crazy eyes right now. What is going on?" She looks over her shoulder before I can stop her and sees Killian whisper something to the mother of bar specials.

Her movement catches his eye and he gives us a hard smile before turning to Ulla with a mischievous, determined expression, whispering into her ear again. She giggles, toying with his hook. He smiles back and then she's pulling him towards the front door. Before they leave, he finds my gaze and gives me a look that seems to say 'are you going to let this happen?'

I don't want it to but I can't stop them. I can't let myself feel anything for him. It's too dangerous.

M&M turns back to me, concerned, "Emma? What's going on? Is there something between you two?" Does she sounds hopeful or worried?

"We're just friends," I tell her, but it sounds like a question even my own ears. All I know is, I watch them leave the party with a sinking heart, knowing what happens when a girl leaves a party with Killian Jones.

* * *

A/n idk how I feel about this chapter. it didn't go as smoothly as I'd hoped. I've been writing and rewriting it for 2 weeks though and I'm over it. But it's gonna set something up for later hopefully. anyway thanks for reading. You guys are awesome


	10. Chapter 10

A/n I am terrible! I'm so sorry it's been so long. I suffer from depression and sometimes it's too hard to even think about writing. I just went through a rough patch. And then I got real obsessed with Riverdale. Thanks for sticking around. I promise I'll finish this

* * *

Angry, I drink. And drink. And drink some more.

How dare he get mad at me. What did I do?

Eventually Mary Margaret starts trying to talk to me. I don't usually drink this much so she's probably worried. I keep avoiding her though, not wanting to talk through things I'm not sure of myself.

How can I explain my behavior without telling her I might actually like Killian Jones? I can't. And I do like Killian, I can't deny it now. Not with this snarling jealousy monster rearing its ugly head.

I drown it with more alcohol.

When the jealousy is sufficiently buried, I stumble out of the party, taking my time with the porch steps.

"Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute, Em." A hand on my elbow steadies my descent. I squint into the light streaming from the party and make out David. "I'll walk you."

I want to tell him I'm fine and I can walk to the bus stop myself but I'm so tired. We slowly make our way down the street and I'm glad for his help as I'm finding it increasingly difficult to walk in these dumb heels.

"Emma?"

He's waiting for me to open up, tell him what's wrong. I can't.

"I'm fine, Dave."

"Mmhmm, sure you are. That's why you drank a gallon of vodka and avoided your friends all night." He sits me down on the bench at the bus stop before settling next to me. "You don't have to tell me the details, sis, but just tell me if you're okay. Are you?"

Am I? "No, not really but there's nothing I can do about it."

We fall into silence again. That's one thing David has always had a knack for, he knows when I don't want to talk anymore. Instead he just holds my hand.

Headlights illuminate the street as the bus pulls up. "I'm sorry, Emma, for whatever happened. But I don't believe there's nothing you can. I know you and there's nothing you can't do. " I'm touched. He helps me up and toward that bus, "do you want me to ride back with you?"

I snort, "no thanks, I'm not 5 years old, I can do it myself." And then I almost fall flat on my face but manage to hook an arm around the handrail, barely saving myself. I plop into the first seat and lean my head against the cool window.

I fumble for my phone, tucked into the bodice of my dress, checking the time. 1:56a.m.

No wonder I'm so tired.

We lurch through two stops and I'm definitely regretting the amount of alcohol in my system now. My head hurts and I want nothing more than to go to sleep. Well maybe I'd like to give Killian Jones a piece of my mind more but it seems an impossible feat to lift my head unnecessarily.

I think about what David said. There's nothing I can't do. Ha! Alright.

There's plenty I can't do. I can't stop thinking about Killian Jones. I can barely admit, even to myself, that I might have feelings for him. I can't make myself do anything about it because I can't forget about my crummy past.

I close my eyes, counting the number of stops until we get to mine. It takes some doing but I manage to get down the stairs in my heels with much drunken concentration.

It's a ten minute walk from the bus stop to my dorm but the cold air has woken me up some. After stumbling a few times, I decide to take my shoes off. I lean against a tree just off the path and hear footsteps behind me halt. Instant unease.

Slowly, shoes in hand, I start walking again. The footsteps start again too, never getting too close but following my pace. My heart pounds and I regret leaving my pepper spray in my backpack. I'm not helpless without it but the alcohol will definitely make me sloppy. If I can just reach my dorm.

Quicker now, I move towards my building, the footsteps always keeping pace behind me. My stomach turns with fear and adrenalin. Just a few dozen feet from the lobby doors. The footsteps are definitely getting closer now. Curse this dress! I can't run.

As I move into the shadow of my building, I feel a hand grab my upper arm. I try to scream, but it chokes off in my throat. I turn, dropping my shoes so I can ball up my fist and try to land a punch. But he's got my dominant arm pinned to my side and I'm no good with my left.

It's hard to make out much detail since he's in the shadows but I can tell he's big, much bigger than me, and dressed all in black.

"Leave me alone," I growl, pulling away from him.

"Don't be like that, baby." He does exactly what I was hoping for, releasing my arm and putting his own around my body. I hear someone else yell but I'm too focused to hear what they're saying. I snap my arms up quickly and try to push his away. The idea is to stomp on the attacker's foot and jump forward, effectively incapacitating while you escape but my attempt isn't as clean as that. I stomp easily enough but I stumble, tripping over my skirts on my getaway. I feel him try to grab for me again but I get a good punch in this time, right under his jaw.

He gasps, "bitch."

I can hear footsteps coming up behind me. My attacker bolts, afraid of being caught I guess, so I turn quickly to face this new possible threat. I pull my arm back, ready to swing when I finally recognize the voice shooting at me.

"Emma, Emma, relax love, it's just me."

Killian.

"Are you alright?" His voice is urgent, desperate. I nod and visibly relaxes.

I sigh, shoulders slumping as the adrenalin leaves me all at once. I wobble.

"I've got you, love," he slides his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him. He smells like whiskey and, inexplicably, the sea. It's pleasant.

I try to protest, say that I can walk by myself, but my legs are like jelly.

"Just let me help you to your room, Swan, since you denied me my daring rescue."

"No one saves me but me," I murmur, but I lean into his body, letting him help me. I swipe my key fob at the door and nod to the left. "Elevator." God I'm exhausted.

Wait, Killian is here. He shouldn't be here.

"What are you doing here?" I whisper, hoping that will hide the bitterness I know is in my tone, "what happened to Ulla?"

We step into the elevator and he hits the button for my floor before he answers. "She's at her apartment," he says carefully, not really giving me the answer I asked for.

"Okay but why are you here?" I try to speak clearly but weariness and alcohol slow my words, slurring them.

He pulls me out into the hallway and walks slowly, supporting a good deal of my weight. "I wanted to talk to you." And leaves it at that.

Should I be happy about that? Did he leave a willing one night stand to come talk to me? Why would he do that? "Ulla? You didn't..."

"No," he sighs, pulling the keys from my hand. "I - I couldn't do it," he finishes quietly. I'm not sure if I'm meant to hear it. I feel the wall against my back. "Stay there a moment, love." He opens my door, flipping on the lights, before helping me inside.

I fall down on my bed, working the tiara out of my hair. "Why didn't you sleep with her?" Oh my god, did I just ask that out loud? I should never drink again.

He raises an eyebrow at me and says, softly, "don't you know, Swan?"

I stare at him, waiting for more, but he just watches me. I shrug and stand up, trying to reach the zipper at my back.

After watching me struggle, he moves to help. "Just how much did you drink?" He puts one hand at the top of my dress, I can feel his warmth on the bare skin of my shoulder, and tugs the zipper down slowly.

"A bit too much," I admit, holding the bodice to my chest, feeling flushed.

He moves away from me, turning around to give me some privacy. "Why?" He wonders.

I let the dress go, watching it pool around my feet. I tug an oversized t-shirt over my head and fall back into my bed. Maybe it's because he's not looking at me or maybe it's the alcohol but I tell him the truth. "I was mad at you."

"What?" He scoffs, turning back to me. "What did I do?"

"Ulla," I mutter with distaste. I watch his eyes widen with shock then he turns thoughtful. He regards me curiously a moment before he pulls a bottle of water out of my fridge and hands it to me. I wish I could read his thoughts.

"Drink," he commands. I drink, even though I'm almost too tired to lift the bottle, I drink. When most of it is gone, he takes it from me and puts it on my nightstand. He helps me lay down, pulling the covers over me. "Sleep now" He smooths my hair back from my face.

I grab his hand when he starts to pull away from me. "Stay?" I whisper, my heavy lids shutting.

"As you wish, love." I feel his hand against my hair again, soothing me as I fall asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

I wake slowly, reluctantly, with my head pounding.

The usual light the streams through my windows is muted. I crack open my eyes and see the blinds have been closed and a new bottle of water sits next to my bed with a bottle of aspirin. Killian.

I sit up carefully, holding my head as it throbs again.

Killian is laying on the futon, which he must have dragged close to my bed in the night, snoring quietly. I watch him as I down a couple pills and drink half the bottle of water. Besides the headache, I feel okay, thank god.

Sighing, I lean back against the wall and reach for my phone. It's plugged into the charger though I don't remember plugging it in last night. It must have been Killian. My phone, the water and pain pills, he stayed the night. My heart strings tug. He's pretty sweet.

He left Ulla to come talk to me last night, I suddenly remember. What did he want to talk about?

Just then, Killian inhales sharply and opens his eyes.

"You're awake," he says groggily, sitting up. I hadn't noticed last night but he must have still been in his pirate costume when he helped me as he's now in a puffy linen shirt with a pile of leather at his feet. Which means... I avert my eyes before I can tell what kind of underwear he's wearing. "How are you feeling, love?"

"Like something in my brain is trying to beat its way out, but otherwise fine."

"Good," he stretches, yawning hugely, "I was worried about you. I hardly slept." He does look a little worse for wear.

I pick at a loose thread on my comforter, avoiding his gaze, "it was just a little too much alcohol."

"And being assaulted or don't you remember that part of the evening?"

A flash of a dark attacker, being pinned. I shudder. "Trust me, I remember. I'll make a report with the campus police today."

By the set of his jaw, I can tell he's still not happy about it but he doesn't say anything else. I clear my throat and change the subject as there's nothing we can do about the attack except what I've already said I'll do. "You never really got around to saying what you came here for last night."

"Right," he draws out the word, looking uncomfortable. "It's really not that important all things considered."

"What? No way. It was so important last night that you had to rush over here last night to talk to me and now it's nothing? Why isn't it important now?"

He huffs, annoyed, "I just had some time to think and maybe it's a good thing you were too legless to talk." I stare him down, an incredulous look on my face. "I don't know what else to say."

"Well neither do I." I cross my arms over my chest, narrowingng my eyes.

Why am I so mad? What was I hoping for? A confession of his undying love for me? Please. I don't have time for love. And I don't want it.

The anger fades from his face with a sigh. "You said you were in love once. What happened?"

Shocked, I blurt out, "it didn't work out."

"So you just shut out love altogether? Never giving it another chance? David told me you haven't dated in years. You gave up?" His eyes burn into mine, pleading, asking me something unspoken.

My shock fades into anger again. "Yes I shut it out. The only love I have room for in my life is for my brother and Mary Margaret. Everything else is a distraction and a waste of time." I can see each word hitting him like a physical blow but I can't stop. This all has to end. I can't keep having these feelings for him and getting jealous when he flirts with other people when he's not mine. And he can't be mine. Because he'll just hurt me in the end.

His face transforms into a cool, indifferent mask. "That's why it's not important anymore." He stands and dresses in his pirate garb again. I'm too stunned to say anything. "I'll see you Wednesday for tutoring." And then he's gone. The door shutting behind him echoing in my head.

* * *

A/n well I'm the literal worst. Sorry seems too small for making you all wait like 6 months but I am sorry. And sorry that this chapter wasn't happy. I'm sure all of you wanted a sweet proclamation of love from killian. But these are 2 very damaged people and drama is fun. Fret not. I'll write again soon. Permission to verbally abuse me in pm if I don't. I don't love this chapter but it needed to go this way because of how I want something to go later. And sorry it's short, I didn't want to draw it out since I don't love it. Thanks for reading


	12. Chapter 12

For the next few weeks, everything is totally normal. I go to class, see David and MM, and tutor. Yes, even Killian. But we don't text, we don't get dinner, we don't see each other except at tutoring. Totally normal.

And it totally sucks. Maybe I hadn't realized how much I'd come to enjoy Killian's company but I felt his absence now like a lost limb. And I know I'm the one that pushed him away which makes it even harder to bare.

I miss him but I'm worried I finally pushed him away for good this time.

The Monday before thanksgiving break I find myself sitting at my brother's kitchen table, staring blankly out the window while David talks about his classes. I think. I hadn't really been paying much attention.

"Emma?"

I start at the sound of my name, swinging my gaze back to him. "Hmmm? What'd you say?"

"What's up with you lately?" I don't answer, giving a half a shrug. "Did you and Killian fight again?"

I straighten in my chair, "why would you ask that?" Did Killian say something about me?

He levels his gaze, watching me closely. "You two just seem very ... preoccupied lately. You haven't been yourself since Halloween and he's acting really weird." Weird how, I scream internally. After a pause that seems to last two millennia he continues. "You know he hasn't had a ...date in months," he says delicately, raising his eyebrows at the word 'date'.

Some confusing emotions swell inside my chest; confusion, hope, anxiety. "Oh, that's... interesting," I say lamely but inside I'm buzzing.

Silence falls between us while David watches me and I will him to say more.

He sighs, "if it's bothering you so much, fix it."

"Mary Margaret said the same thing not too long ago," I smile.

"She's pretty smart, smarter than me. I'd listen to her."

I roll my eyes a little but really, he's right.

"I'm afraid I can't fix it," I admit, toying with the handle of my hot chocolate mug, avoiding his gaze. "What if I fucked it up so badly he won't talk to me again?"

He just looks at me like he wants to say something but stays silent. After a few painful moments he seems to settle on, "I think you should at least try."

* * *

After leaving David, I sit in my car, phone in hand, tapping the black screen anxiously. I finally decide to pull up a new text and type a quick message.

' _wanna meet for dinner tonight? I'd like to talk'_

I hit send and hold my breath, heart racing, until a buzz announces a new text.

 _'sure love, why not'_

We settle on Granny's diner and I drive straight there even though we agreed on a half hour from now. I picked Granny's because it has wonderful food and Killian said he'd never been there before. Okay and because I didn't want him to suggest Rogers and have the possibility of seeing Ulla. I'm only human.

I pull into a parking spot and wait for Killian anxiously, fingers drumming a hectic rhythm on the steering wheel. A few minutes pass and then a guy in leather pulls up beside my bug on a motorcycle. It takes me longer than I'd care to admit to realize it's Killian.

Popping open my door quickly, I exit the car and nearly exclaim, "you have a motorcycle?"

He pulls the helmet from his head and runs a hand through his hair, displacing the locks into his signature untidy look. "Obviously," he says, smirking, his voice on the verge of laughter.

I fold my arms across my chest, saying defensively "well I've never seen you ride it. You're always on the bus."

"It rains a lot here. I don't fancy taking a shower on my way to school or work."

I shrug, allowing it and gesture for him to follow me inside.

"You're rather early," he comments, falling into step beside me.

"So are you."

I pick my favorite booth to sit at, right between the air vents so the a.c. doesn't freeze you and right across from the spinning display of sugary desserts.

"I just can't stay away from you, Swan." His tone is casual, I'd almost believe it was a funny throw away comment from an over the top flirt but his eyes are too intense. They pin me to my seat, breath caught in my throat.

I'm saved from responding by Ruby, a waitress here, asking us what we want to drink. As soon as he turns to her, I drop my gaze to the menu and vow to keep it there until I have better control over my emotions, jeez.

"So what's good here?"

"The grilled cheese is my personal favorite but Granny makes a great lasagna and the burgers are cooked to perfection." I stop and laugh because I could go on and on. "I definitely have not tried everything on the menu," I say, heavy on the sarcasm.

He smiles at me as Ruby sets our sodas down. "Grilled cheese it is then with mozzarella sticks. Please," he adds to Ruby.

She jots it down, "same for you, Emma? Onion rings?" I nod and she promises to get it out quickly for us. I work on folding my straw wrapper into a tiny accordion.

Killian clears his throat and shifts so he's leaving over the table a little more. "You said you wanted to talk." I nod but don't say anything. "About any particular topic or did you mean just talk in general?"

I set the paper accordion down and steeple my fingers, leaning my chin on them. "First off, I'm sorry. You brought up Neal and I was surprised and reacted way too aggressively."

"Neal? Is that your first love?"

"Only love," I amend. "Yes, Neal Cassidy. We were together for almost two years. It ended ...badly and I don't like to think about it so I lashed out. I'm sorry." Ended badly is such an understatement I almost laugh.

"Then I'm sorry too, for bringing it up. I know I hated it when my old mates brought up Milah."

I nod sympathetically, stalling for time. The next bit is harder to talk about so I'm hoping our food will arrive and give me more time to sort out my thoughts. Ruby, ever the perfect server, delivers, showing up just then with our meals. She takes her time setting everything down and even chats with Killian a little.

Then of course I have to wait to talk until we've eaten a few bites. It's a crime to leave a melty grilled cheese sitting on a plate uneaten.

Finally, I take a deep breath and make myself talk about my feelings. "Killian," he looks at me, grilled cheese halfway from the plate to his mouth."I also wanted to talk about... well, why I push you away, I guess." He sets the sandwich down, giving me his full attention. I feel anxious and jittery, heart pounding too loudly. Just say it ' _I like you and that scares me.'_ Just do it.

"Iiiee... After Neal, it was hard to trust or even like anyone. And I liked spending time with you. We understood each other right away and that scared me. It still scares me. So I push and I run when things get too real. And I don't like that I do it so that's why I'm telling you."

Okay fine so I didn't tell him the truth exactly. But it's close enough.

The silence stretches on between us. His eyebrows knit together and he cocks his head to one side, examining me.

"That might be the most honest thing you've said to me, love." He takes another bite of his sandwich then gives me a grin. "Alright. Can I have an onion ring?" He grabs one before I can come up with an answer through my bewilderment.

'Alright?' Alright what? Am I forgiven?

"This grilled cheese is amazing, Swan, you were right. But I'm quite looking forward to your brothers thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. My first real American thanksgiving."

As he begins talking about how weird the holiday is, I breathe a sigh of relief, deciding to take the win. If he's decided to forgive me, I won't look this gift house in the mouth. And now I have something more to look forward to on Thursday besides Mary Margaret's delicious pies.

* * *

A/n lol idk. Sorry I keep ghosting. I can't say I won't do it again but I promise I'll finish this story. A few chapters left. The next will be good


	13. Chapter 13

Thanksgiving morning dawns too early for my liking for a day I finally have completely off of work and school. Having spent the night at their house, Mary Margaret ever so gently wakes me up not long after the sun has broken over the horizon.

"Emma, you said you'd help out today," she flips on the light and tugs the blanket off my body, "there are potatoes that need peeling and apples that need slicing. Plus you know I'm hopeless with that electric can opener thing."

I groan, shivering at the loss of my blanket cocoon, and heavily pull myself into a sitting position. "Alright, alright just let me shower first."

After a quick, hot shower, a hastily eaten granola bar, and three very large cups of strong coffee I almost feel like a human again and thanksgiving dinner is well on its way. I've peeled and chopped potatoes to be mashed and apples to be pied, kept on eye on the bird so M&m can shower, and set out the ingredients for the pumpkin pie and stuffing. I'm no where near as good at cooking as my annoyingly chipper friend so I leave the hard stuff to her. I just stay out of her way and hand her things as she needs them.

"David said he and Killian will be here at one so I thought we'd eat by two? Everything should be ready by then. The pies will go in the oven to bake while we eat and we can watch the game until they're done or maybe the parade? I don't know, just really give him the whole American thanksgiving experience."

"Is there any kind of thanksgiving experience but the American kind?" I joke before starting on my fourth cup of coffee.

She swats me away, smiling. "Just hand me that potato masher and go get changed."

I look down at my yoga pants and loose fitting tank top and laugh, "what's wrong with this? When has thanksgiving ever been a lack tie event here?"

A little too nonchalantly, she shrugs and adopts an odd, airy voice, "I just thought you might want to look nice today. Since we have a guest coming today. I don't know, whatever you want to do."

I make a mostly convincing scoffing sound and drop my eyes to the left out pumpkin pie recipe, avoiding her gaze.

"Emma..." her voice is gentle now, "you can talk to me, about anything, you know. I know something is going on with you. Your emotions have been all over the place the last few months."

I'm silent long enough that she tacks on, "or not."

"Maybe just not right now, okay?" I say with a little laugh.

I do decide to change my clothes. Nothing fancy, just jeans and a white sweater, but Mary Margaret gives me a knowing smirk when I come back out into the kitchen. I decide to ignore her, hopping up on the counter to talk to her until David walks in with Killian in tow.

He's wearing a dark red v neck with a black sweater over it and dark wash jeans. His hair is mussed from the wind and he's wearing that little bit of eye liner again. When he smiles and greets me, my heart flutters against my ribs.

Returning his hello, I slip off the counter while everyone talks. David hands Mary Margaret a can of aerosol spray whipped cream for the pie.

"My hero," she coos, kissing his cheek. I watch them, smiling. Their love is so easy and constant. i'm jealous for just a second or two.

David slips an arm around her, turning his attention to Killian. "It's really thanks to him I'm even still here. We were coming out of the grocery store, crossing over by the main street entrance you know, and I was almost hit by a bus. I didn't even know they ran on thanksgiving but Killian pulled me back and I felt my shirt rustle in the breeze of that passing mammoth of death. My life flashed before my eyes."

Killian looks embarrassed, "I just pulled you back on the sidewalk, mate."

"No," I say, thinking of Halloween when he tried to save me too, "you're a little bit of a hero, Killian."

He tries to laughs off the attention but now Mm is in on it. "I guess we know what we're thankful for today; Killian Jones, our hero. We'll have to toast it later, but right now I have to baste this bird. Everyone out of my kitchen, I need to work."

We all slip out into the living room. "Ready for some football, Jones?"

"This sport is nothing like real football but alright, mate, bring on the pigskin," he draws out the last word like it's an alien language.

I laugh as I drop onto the couch and he grins, sitting next to me. And maybe i'm just a little pleased about it.

We spend the next quarter of an hour explaining the rules of American football to Killian who catches on quickly enough but maintains soccer is the superior "football". The rest of the hour we trade horror stories of all the intense kids and awful professors in our classes. I haven't laughed so much in ages.

"It's doooone," Mm trills in a sing songy voice. We file back into the kitchen and settle around the table now heaped with food; stuffing, potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce, turkey, rolls, corn, sweet potatoes. Really there's way too much food for just four people. The heavenly aromas have us all closing our eyes and inhaling deeply, appreciatively.

"Dig in," Mary Margaret says, pouring wine into all of our glasses. David carves the turkey while we load our plates. For a while there's silence as we all enjoy the food.

"Mary Margaret," Killian says reverently, eyes closed, "this is the best food I've had in ages."

She says it was nothing, but her cheeks turn just a shade pinker so I know she's pleased. As she reaches for her wine glass, she glances at David who, in the telepathic soulmate way that they have with each other, nods and picks up his own, turning to Killian.

"To Killian, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here, enjoying my darling girlfriend's incredible food!" Killian twists his mouth to the side and shoots him a half exasperated, half embarrassed look. "I thought he deserved a little credit."

"To Killian," M&m and I echo with huge grins and we all drink.

"Thank you, " Killian nearly whispers, looking at each of us in turn. "For all of this, more than just the food. I haven't had ... any of this in a long time."

Thoughts of his brother and Milah pass through my mind and I think again about how lonely he has been. Without thinking, I reach for his free hand and squeeze it. He focuses on me and my breath catches, his blue eyes smoldering me, giving me that xray feeling like he can see right into my brain. I pull my hand back quickly and drop my eyes to my food, shoveling mashed potatoes in my mouth to cover my unease.

The rest of the meal passes amiably. We all stuff ourselves to bursting with Mary Margaret's delicious meal and then sit around the table talking, the homey smell of cooking pies pervading the air and lulling us into calm.

After a time, I head to the spare room to change into a lighter shirt since the meal has risen the temperature in the house to sauna levels. I turn into the hallway, flipping my hair out of the collar of my shirt, and run right into Killian.

"Sorry, I didn't see you."

"No worries, love."

I look at his easy smile and decide David is right, he does deserve some credit.

"I wanted to thank you, Killian, for coming today... and for sticking with me through all my bullshit." he gives a small laugh here. "and, of course, for saving David."

"It really was nothing but, you're welcome."

"It is something, a big something, David is my family, just about all I have left, so it's a big something to me." I go to move around him but he doesn't budge.

"well, perhaps gratitude is in order now, " he raises an eyebrow impishly.

Is he flirting with me right now? I grin, almost disbelieving, "yeah, that's what the thank you was for."

He takes a step closer to me, answering my grin with his own crooked one and my heart starts to race, "mm, is that all your brother's life is worth to you?" He bends his head down close to mine.

I step back, my back pressed into the wall, the small space between us feels charged, electric, like a storm rolling in over the sea. He wants me to kiss him, for saving David. Do I want to kiss him?

"Please, " I breathe, stalling for time, "you couldn't handle it. "

He swaggers one step closer, our chests only inches apart, and whispers huskily, "perhaps you're the one who couldn't handle it." He pops the last 't' and I see his tongue run along the inside of his bottom lip. And it's so damn enticing.

So I don't think about how it'll complicate things or how it'll imply my feelings for him. I don't even think about how David and Mary Margaret could come out of the kitchen at any second. I just think about his beautiful, smug face and meet his challenge.

I grip the collar of his sweater in one hand and slide my fingers into the hair at the back of his neck, pulling his face to mine. As our lips meet, he responds enthusiastically, twisting an arm around my waist to hold me closer while his other hand weaves into my hair.

The kiss is wild and passionate and seems to last eons. Now that I've started, I don't want to stop. He smells faintly of leather and sea salt and that, combined with the delicious pressure of his chest against mine, has me reeling. Why didn't i do this sooner?

Eventually, it softens and slows until we aren't kissing anymore, i just have my cheek pressed against his, still clutching him tightly, while we pant.

"That was..." he whispers.

Without the kiss clouding my mind, all the reasons for why we shouldn't do this come rushing back, almost having an audience being at the forefront. I panic when i realize he's trying to kiss me again, both wanting and not wanting it. Moving sideways, down the hallway, I release him, really I almost push him away.

"A one time thing. Don't follow me right away," I turn away from him and add softly, "go to the bathroom or something." I'm breathing heavily and can feel my face flush, thoroughly undone.

"As you wish." He says it quietly, but I can hear the sincerity. He's not being glib.

My heart melts over that and I almost go back to him but I can see David in the kitchen now and don't want to risk anything else today.

As I turn into the bright, hot dining room I pause just got a moment, looking back to see Killian in the shadows of the hallway, leaning heavily against the wall, one hand raised to his lips almost reverently. My heart thumps unevenly as I realize, I love him.

Shit

* * *

a/n wow sorry this is taking forever guys. my motivation is shot lately. one, maaaaaybe two chapters left though. i promise this story will be done by Christmas. thanks for reading


	14. Chapter 14

"I am tired!" Mary Margaret proclaims, throwing herself down on the guest bed next to me. She burrows under the blankets that she must have replaced some time during the day.

Setting down my book, I shift my weight to lean on the headboard behind me, pulling my knees up to my chest and smiling down at her. "I bet you are. You did enough cooking to feed an army."

"Killian seemed to really appreciate the mountain of leftovers I sent home with him though," she laughs.

"Of course he did, he basically lives on fish sandwiches from Grumpy's and coffee. Not to mention your cooking is the stuff of legends."

She smiles, looking pleased even as she downplays her talent. I shush her.

"I'm glad Killian came today. He se-"

"I kissed him, " I interrupt very quietly, almost hoping she won't hear me.

She sits up very quickly, not looking tired in the least anymore. "You did what? Why?"

Heat creeps up my neck as I think that maybe this was a mistake. Is she going to say I made a huge mistake? I try to play it off as nothing. "I don't know. I was- it's been awhile, I was feeling good."

She levels her gaze at me, clearly disbelieving, "did it mean anything? "

My shakey cover crumbles. I swallow hard and nod, picking at a loose thread in the comforter so I don't have to look away her when I say, "I like him, MM."

"I knew there had to be something going on. You've been different since you two met." She places her hand on top of mine, staring at the side of my head intently until I turn to her. "What's the problem then? He obviously cares about you as well. "

A swooping sensation travels through my stomach, part happiness part anxiety. "You know why I don't date. "

"Emma, that was five years ago. I think it's okay to move on," she says sweetly, earnestly.

My nerves can't be soothed that easily though. I tug my hand out of hers, shakily running it through my hair. "Alright, even if I did that... Killian is a pretty big player. How can I be sure he won't just leave me when he's done? It's one thing to be friends knowing that about him but dating? "

"That's something you have to figure out for yourself but personally I don't think it's an issue. David told me he hasn't _dated_ anyone since September. That's right around when you two struck up your friendship right? If I had to guess, I think he's been smitten with you since the get go." She tries to suppress her smug smile poorly. "If he has given up his promiscuous ways, are you okay with his past?"

I shrug dismissively, "I don't care about that."

We're both silent awhile as I try to think through my feelings.

Mary Margaret clears her throat, "it seems to me, the only thing in your way here is you and your past."

I plop my head on her shoulder, suddenly very weary myself. "It's a hard thing to set aside. You know how badly things ended last time. "

"I know," she soothes her hand down my hair over and over, "but you shouldn't let it ruin your whole future. You deserve love."

Love.

Wouldn't it be nice to have something even a little like Mary Margaret and David?

"David," I state, sitting up, worried again.

"No, I'm Mary Margaret."

"Haha," I deadpan, "I mean, what would David think if I started dating Killian?"

She snorts, "oh he'll be fine. David knows you're a smart girl and you make decisions that work best for you." Then she gives me a kind smile, "and I think, as long as it's something you want, it's a wonderful idea. You two are cute together."

I blush, looking away from her again. "I'll think about it," I relent. And I really will. I definitely can't deny my feeling for him anymore and iI don't think we can continue to be just friends after today.

"Alright, good, you take your time, really think it through." she gets off the bed slowly, stopping at the door. "Listen to what your heart wants. Good night, Emma. "

"Night, MM. Thank you. "

I spend the rest of the night thinking things through and, when I wake up in the morning, I know what I'm going to do.


	15. Chapter 15

Despite my early start to the day and the mass amounts of tryptophan in my system, my thoughts keep me awake, tossing and turning all night while I grapple with what my heart wants and what my head reminds me of my past.

I must doze off at some point because I wake late morning, groggy and confused. I grab my phone to check the exact time and see a message waiting for me from Killian.

 _good morning, Swan. I'd ask if you want to get dinner tonight but I'd wager we both have enough leftovers to last until Christmas_

I smile and tuck a piece of hair behind my ear before answering.

 _maybe even till the new year. I can't tonight anyway, I have to work the front desk. tomorrow?_

Bzzzz Bzzzz

 _I can't, I'm working doubles all weekend for the people who went home for break_

 _Monday for tutoring? I need all the help I can get before finals_

I tap out an affirmation, feeling slightly disappointed. At least I have another few nights to sort out my feelings.

* * *

When Monday night rolls around, I'm incredibly nervous but I've made up my mind. I'm starting off small, so I don't know why I'm so worked up.

I fidget with my cuffs and compulsively fix my hair through my first two tutoring sessions. By the time Killian shows up, I've worked a small hole in my sweater sleeve from pulling at it so much. I sit on my hands to stop as Killian takes a seat quite close to me.

"Hello, love," he smiles, shrugging off his jacket. So he owns two colored shirts, the red from Thanksgiving and the dark blue one he's wearing now. The color makes his eyes stand out strikingly.

"Hey," my heart flutters from his smile and my nerves. Should I just ask right away? Work up to it?

Killian pulls out his textbook and notes and I dive in, deciding to put off my question.

As we go over his notes, I get the feeling he would've been fine on his own but I don't begrudge his company. I even show him some advanced tips to help him get extra credit as I know his professor does that sort of thing.

Our session and my tutoring hours come to an end and butterflies start beating the inside of my stomach again.

When he sees me packing up too, Killian asks, "you're done for the day?" I nod as he stands up. "I'll walk you home."

"Alright." I join him and we walk through the library, not saying anything. I steal glances at him every few seconds, urging myself to saw what I need.

"Something wrong?" I look at him fully with wide, questioning eyes. "You look like you're about to be sick," he laughs.

I let out a big sigh, trying to compose myself. "I just have a lot of stuff on my mind."

"Stuff, " he echoes, quirking an eyebrow at me.

"Would you like to come home with me- me and David, of course David, and Mary Margaret- for Christmas? If you can, I know you work. And only if you want to of course" my words tumble out of my mouth almost too quickly to understand. I'm blabbering, for sure, so I take a deep breath, slowing down with effort, "I really would like you to come because... because I have some things to tell you that would be easier to explain there. And I just want to spend time with you." Well I almost told him my feelings. In Storybrooke, I'll tell him when we get home.

We've stopped walking by this point and Killian is just staring at me, a slightly bemused smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

He's quiet long enough that a blush spreads across my cheeks, thinking I've really made a bad decision.

Finally he chuckles, a short, happy sound. "I'll have to talk to work but, Emma, I'd love to."

Instant relief. Ive got two weeks to gather my courage.

* * *

a/n well i ended up making this more chapters than i intended. i wanted her to talk to mm and then i felt it was important to have a scene with her asking Killian home with her. Sorry it's another short chapter. I thought it made more sense to end here and then pick up in storybrooke next chapter. at least one more chapter by Christmas, i promise. then i'll be done with this. i'll give you a good ending though. thanks for reading.


	16. Chapter 16

The last day of the semester finally arrives. David, M&M, and I pull up to Killian's apartment and I shoot off a quick text letting him know we're outside. When he emerges he gives a little wave into the car before heading to the back of the station wagon, which David has open for his luggage.

Hellos are given all around as Killian and David buckle in and then we're on our way.

"Two hours to Storybrooke!" Mary Margaret calls happily, turning the radio to a Christmas music station.

I turn to Killian beside me on the bench seat, "so a little backstory. David and I have lived with Belle Gold and her husband, Weaver, since our parents died in a car crash. No relation but Belle was our mom's best friend and we don't have any other family so we were sent with them. Belle is lovely. Gold..."

"Not so much," David contributes, giving a small laugh. He looks briefly over his shoulder to Killian, smiling. "Really though he's not that bad. He was just never very warm and inviting to begin with but it got worse after his son left." He stops suddenly and both his and Mary Margaret's eyes find mine in the rearview mirror, apologetic and concerned, respectively.

Killian looks between us, confusion creasing his brow.

I pretend nothing happened and continue talking, "I'm just letting you know so you don't think Gold hates you. He's just not a people person. Belle on the other hand is thrilled to meet you. Dave, will they both be there or is Gold working?"

"He should be there."

I nod and add to Killian, "Gold runs a very successful pawn and repair shop. "Well I think that's it. Oh, no wait. Belle is a bit younger than Gold. But we don't think she's after his money. She just genuinely loves him for some reason."

The boys laugh but Mm admonishes me, "Emma, that's not nice!" But she doesn't disagree either.

After that we chat for a while before Mary Margaret falls asleep. Any car trip longer than half an hour and she's down for the count. I pull out a book, not a romance novel this time much to Killian dismay as he peeks at the cover before throwing me a pout. He pulls out a leather journal and starts writing. The drive goes smoothly.

* * *

"Wow," Killian breathes when we finally pull up in front of our destination. It is a little impressive. Our teenage home is just short of a mansion, three stories high with a huge wrap around porch done all in old barn wood. With the holidays coming up, Belle has decorated the porch with red bows and garland with twinkle lights. It's beautiful.

"We told you Gold did well for himself," David jokes while we all vacate the car, stretching our limbs.

Before we've even got all our luggage in hand, the front door opens and Belle rushes down the steps toward us.

Barely into her mid thirties, Belle still looks young with just a few starts of gray hairs. She reaches me first, engulfing me in a hug. "Hello, Emma, I missed you. "

"You too," I give her a quick squeeze and then move so everyone else can get their chance.

She gets to Killian last, giving him the longest hug of all of us. He looks a little surprised at first but hugs her back warmly. "It is so good to meet you. You're in so many of the kid's stories."

Gold is out on the porch now, smiling down at us as we make our way toward the house. He looks the same as always; well tailored suit, greying hair, some wrinkles, and a walking cane from an old foot injury. He greets us, giving the standard hello and I hope the trip went well banter.

"Thank you for letting me stay here for the holidays, Mr and Mrs Gold," Killian says, giving them a winning smile.

Belle's answering smile is so bright it could light our Christmas tree. "Please call me Belle and we're happy to have you." I told her a little bit about Killian's family situation and she seemed determined to give him a happy holiday. Gold just nods along with his wife, stopping at the foot of the grand staircase. "Your room is upstairs. The kids will show you. After you're settled, we can eat if everyone is hungry."

It always makes me laugh internally when she calls us that since we're not that much younger than her but I just nod and take the lead with climbing.

When we hit the hallway on the second floor I point out rooms for Killian. "David's, mine, M&m's, and," I stop at the last door on the right and swallow hard, "yours." Mary Margaret has basically lived here since she was a child after her father passed since she doesn't get along with her stepmother at all.

He thanks me, dropping a bag to open the door. The familiar layout, as the room is revealed, his me hard. Belle might have cleared out most of the personal stuff and made it a guest room, that never gets used, but it's still Neal's room.

I let it go for now, heading back to my room to unpack.

* * *

After dinner and some card games with Belle, Gold claimed he had work to do and declined our offer for him to join, we all retire to our rooms for the night.

I toss and turn for a while before deciding to just go talk to Killian now. I pull on a sweatshirt and slip into the hall, tiptoeing past everyone's doors. Knocking quietly, I whisper "Killian, are you awake?"

The door opens, revealing a Killian clad in plaid pajama pants and a captain Morgan t-shirt. "Emma, what a pleasant surprise." He gives me a cocky grin, leaning against the door frame and cocking an eyebrow at me as a wolfish grin settles on his features.

I ignore his suggestiveness. "I couldn't sleep. I wanted to talk to you," I admit, cupping my elbows with my hands. He drops the bravado quickly, gesturing me inside which is lit by only the table lamp. "I didn't wake you up, did I?"

He shakes his head, "no, I was writing. It helps me clear my head."

I sit on the end of the bed and look around, everything looks as familiar as it did all through high school but changed. It brings back a flood of memories, good and bad. My emotions must be playing all over my face because Killian sits next to me, carefully putting a hand on top of mine, "Emma?"

Closing my eyes, I pull in a deep, steadying breathe. "This room used to belong to Neal, Gold's son and ... my Neal. My first and only boyfriend." His eyes widen in shock but he doesn't say anything, letting me say my piece. "We dated junior and senior year of high school. I was a bit of a ahh troublemaker in those days."

"No way," he laughs quietly, shaking his head in disbelief.

"I was," I tilt my head his way, grinning sheepishly. "I was mad about my parent's deaths and resented being kept here. Neal and I bonded over that. We caused minor mischief together; knocking over mailboxes, stealing lawn furniture, cutting class to get high," I roll my eyes at my teenage self. "We dated two years and when we graduated, we took off, moved to Tallahassee, and didn't tell anyone."

This is where the story gets harder. "I loved him but I probably shouldn't have. It would've saved me a lot of trouble and heartache. He was always getting into worse trouble than me because Gold was his father and could get him off on more minor charges, because yes sometimes the cops got involved. When we moved he swore he was turning over a new leaf. And for a while, it seemed like he was."

I grab Killian's hand, holding it tightly. "Neal told me he got a job in private security with a wealthy guy in the city so he had to keep weird hours and needed a separate phone just for work. I believed him and we were happy. But it turns out Neal was dealing drugs" Killian gives a sharp intake of breath here, squeezing my hand tighter.

I have more I want to tell him but I can't do it here, in Neal's room. Too many memories here.

"Will you go on a quick walk with me? Ten minutes, top, to get there. I just can't...not here" I smile apologetically, knowing I'm being a tad dramatic.

"Uh yeah sure, no problem" he gets up, slipping on shoes and a coat. I grab mine from my room on the way out. We go out the back staircase, the way I used to sneak out in high school.

I lead Killian down a few roads in near silence. I'm sure he's dying with curiosity but he doesn't push me, which I'm grateful for. The neighborhood is quiet, big houses set far back on big plots of land, with few street lights. The moon is bright though so we don't have any trouble navigating the well kept streets.

We arrive at the docks and I sit on a bench near the boat Gold owns. I point it out and he nods appreciatively, murmuring that it's a 'fine vessel'.

"So Neal was a drug dealer?" He finally asks after I've been silent a while again.

I smirk, "yeah. A real winner, right?" I sigh heavily. "He got in pretty deep I guess and when the cops finally rooted the whole operation out, Neal bolted. No one has seen him since. I don't even know if he's still alive."

Killian grabs my hands between his and says, his voice full of sincerity, "Emma, I'm so sorry. That's- that's terrible, awful. Just... Wow. There aren't words."

"That's not even all of it. So before Neal skipped town, I found out I was pregnant." Another quiet, sharp intake of breath. "I never even got a chance to tell him. The cops showed up one afternoon as I was waiting for Neal to get home so I could tell him. I got pulled into an investigation. They thought I knew about his 'business'," I throw up ironic air quotes here with my fingers, trying to cover the quaver in my voice with humour. I haven't talked about this with anyone except my brother and Mary Margaret and even then I barely opened up. "it ended up being so stressful that I lost the baby."

I huff, concentrating on my breath come out as a white cloud in the chilly air, keeping tears at bay by sheer force of will. I refuse to look at Killian, knowing any sympathy I see there will open the flood gates. "That was... hard. My whole life I never thought I wanted kids, until I lost him. I don't even know if it was a him, it was too early to tell but that's what I picture when I think about him. I would have named him Henry after my grandfather."

Despite my best efforts, a few tears fall down my cheeks.

"Oh, Emma," Killian whispers, putting his arms around me, tugging me into his chest for a tight embrace. It feels so good that I hug him back, leaning my head into the crook of his shoulder, finding warmth and comfort there. I let just a few more tears slip out before composing myself again and pulling back after a few moments. He lets me go but stays closer than before. I can feel the heat coming from his body now.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you."

The acknowledgement of my pain is soothing, especially from Killian because I know he has suffered too.

"We really are similar, huh?" I smile wryly.

"Indeed," he muses, bringing a hand hesitantly up to my face. When I don't object, he carefully brushes the tear tracks from my cheeks with his thumbs. I close my eyes, savoring the sensation.

"When everything was finally over down there, I came home," I open my eyes and his face is so close to mine, my breath catches. "I- I came home and threw myself into my new life, always working towards my goals and finally taking on real responsibility in my life. I told myself I could never let myself love anyone again, that I didn't need love." He pulls his hand away from my cheek now, looking away from me, closed off.

I grab his hand between mine, moving my head until we're looking at each other again, "I was wrong."

Surprise colors his features before softening into something I might call shy if it wasn't on Killian Jone's face. "What," he clears his throat, "uh, what changed your mind." He is shy. I didn't think that was possible. It's incredibly endearing.

"Don't you know, Killian," I pull in a deep breath. Here it is, the big plunge. "It's you."

Now that wasn't so hard, was it?

It's really something watching the elation slowly fill his eyes as what I'm saying sinks in.

"I love you," I say very quietly, tipping my head closer to his. He moves forward, closing the gap between us and kissing me fiercely.

This kiss is different than the one we shared on Thanksgiving, not desperate or answering a challenge. This one is real. The initial passion gives way to a gentleness that makes my heart flutter. His hands come up to cup my face when it ends. I see when his eyes open, focusing on mine tenderly. "I love you too," he finally whispers, "in case it wasn't obvious."

I laugh, putting a hand on top of one of his, still on my cheek. "I'm sorry it took me so damn long to admit it," I say, sheepish again.

"Given what you just told me of your past, I understand your hesitation. If it eases your mind any, I swear I am not involved in any way with any kind of narcotics."

That makes me laugh harder. "Phew," I say, wiping a hand across my brow theatrically.

We're silent a while after that, watching the moonlight play against the gentle ocean waves and holding hands. I haven't felt this peaceful and happy in years.

"As much as I love the ocean, why don't we head back. It's bloody cold out here." He stands, tugging me up by my hands after him. I make to turn back up the dock but he pulls me closer, slipping his arms around me for a proper hug. "Thank you, love," he whispers close to me ear, "for telling me about your past. I know it's not easy to open up like that."

"You opened up to me," I murmur back, slipping my arms under his unzipped jacket to rest against his back, "and I wanted to tell you. You deserved an explanation for all my craziness this semester and I didn't want to lose you."

He pulls away slowly, "you'll never lose me, Swan." We smile at each other, big, dopey smiles that would usually embarrass me but I can't make myself stop. Killian grabs my hand and we slowly walk back home. And maybe we stop a few times to kiss for a while. Once home, I quietly lead us back up the stairs and we linger in front of my bedroom door, wholly unwilling, on my part at least, to separate for the night.

I lean back against the wall and tug on his jacket to bring him closer for another kiss. His arm goes up to brace himself against the doorframe beside me, our faces a few inches apart now. "This is a way better Christmas present than I got you." He keeps his voice low, a grin spreading across his face that I reciprocate.

"You can make it up to me," I joke, I bring my fingers up to trace his jaw. "I'm sure I'll love whatever it is." I'm just about to go in for another kiss when a door down the hall opens suddenly. We burst apart as M&M walks to the bathroom, eyes still half closed with sleep.

Killian and I look at each other again sheepishly. "Good night, Swan." He gives my cheek a kiss then hesitates a moment, looking shy again. "Say it one more time?"

I knit my brows in confusion before I get it and smile gently, "I love you, Killian."

The joy on his face is infectious. "And I you." He walks backward to his bedroom, keeping me in his sights.

I open the door behind me without breaking eye contact, "Good night."

We stand there, in our opposite doorways, for a few moments more before laughing quietly and murmuring another good night. I finally slip into my room, close the door, and lean against it, grinning broadly.

A small, wrapped package slips under the door and hits my foot. A sticky note attached to it says 'open me. -Killian' with a small heart drawn next to his name. I pick it up as I hear a door close faintly on the other side of my door. Sitting on my bed, I tear the paper off and find a romance novel. It's the sequel to the princess and pirate novel I read a few weeks ago. The one that Killian made fun of me for. I smile, running my fingers over the title. 'Happily Ever After'

* * *

An/n alright i lied, it wasn't done by Christmas but it is done. i did finish it. My internet went out for like a while so I couldn't work on this cuz I cannot type on my phone. I tried to make up for it by making this last chapter really long and good, hopefully. hope you all liked it. thanks for sticking by me through my bs and thanks for reading. you're all amazing


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